I have started to realize that my home now resembles my "trauma babys" heart. In the year that he has been here he has left quite a path of destruction.
My car is destroyed, between the boulder/rock dents, the broken windshield, the broken radio (the second broken one!), the broken airbag front, and the knife marks in the seat... what was once a decent resale value SUV is now worth way less than what we owe on it.
We have 3 doors that are broken. We have 3 cupboard doors ripped off.
We have 1 dresser destroyed, more or less anyway.
We have had one big screen TV broken, and replaced.
We have had the siding on one side of our house dented from being hit over and over with a metal pipe.
We have a broken picture window.
We have a broken oven door from the glass getting shattered.
We have a broken bar stool.
We have a broken kitchen chair.
We have a wood floor with a nice dent/crack in it.
And then there are the various little things, toys, bedding, clothes, books, bowls, silverware, etc. ... these things are fairly replaceable, but they add up too.
I have not escaped unscathed. I have been bruised a good amount of times, but nothing that left a lasting mark... just a mark on my heart.
We also have had our credit card stolen and used twice.
We are missing cash.
We have had a stereo speaker stolen.
We have had 3 hunting rifles totaling over $1000 stolen and given to "a friend" who needed some cash. Our trust is at an all time low, obviously.
I do not post this to say "poor me, look what we have endured". I post this so that you can start to see not only what living with "trauma" looks like, but also so you get a look at my sons heart.
It is broken, destroyed, riddled with holes from anger, sadness, and fear. Some of it is easily fixable, some of it is very hard to fix, some of it just needs replaced all together with something better.
He can't put it into words, though he is 17 and a smart young man. The wounds started when he was too young for words, and as he grew he was not given the words he needed. He doesn't quite understand that he is making his world look like he feels inside. But I DO UNDERSTAND sweet boy. Your mama understands!
My heart hurts when things get broke, it stresses me out, hurts me, makes me mad... but I see the communication and pain behind the action.
He is on medication now, for the last 2 weeks. It has made a huge difference, his intensity is much less. But he still throws things, breaks little things.... It is my hope that the medication allows for some much needed dialogue and realization on his part. I am praying things start get better with a combination of medication, therapy, and unconditional love!
But till then, when you enter my home, please realize that the war zone you are seeing is really just a mirror to the pain in my sons heart. Have mercy and compassion on him. He is worth so much more than things. Please know this is not how I want my home to look, and I am doing everything I can to restore both my home and his heart!
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
CALL ME CRAZY
I admit it still throws me for a loop when I realize other people are choosing to live a life similar to mine. It is the life of welcoming a child who has been greatly affected by trauma, and hence exhibits almost daily trauma induced behaviors, into ones home and life.. Not only welcoming them, but choosing to love them fiercely in the process. And oh boy, do I love my trauma baby fiercely!
My "trauma baby" is 17 now. He moved in to my home and heart the day after he turned 16. It has been one year and one month since I have called myself his MOM and called him my son. He, on the other hand, calls me a variety of things, none of which is mom. They range in creativity, but his most consistent things to call me are "hey you", "stupid fucking bitch", "parent" when talking with his friends, or lately he has actually started using my name in place of "hey you". I guess you could look for a positive spin and call that progress.
I guess most people would wonder what kind of crazy it takes to continue to love and let remain in your home a child who by legal rights is not only not yet ones own, but has stated to his social worker that he doesn't want to be adopted, and instead just remain in fostercare?! `A child who also almost daily states his hatred for you and your spouse.
What kind of crazy does it take to continue to love and have hope and patience to work with a child who puts you in a head lock because you took his cell phone, AFTER he called you a stupid f*****g bitch and threw your laptop computer? What kind of crazy does it take to hug a child and apologize for calling him a spoiled brat and for not being fair, even though he spent 10 minutes raging about ways he would hurt you if he didn't get his way? What kind of crazy still chooses to work on baby steps of trust with a child who has stolen from you, smoked weed in your home, had sex in your mothers house while she was at work, broken over $500 worth of stuff that wasn't his, basically totaled the teenage car by being stupid and not feeling apologetic, called you, your spouse, and your children ugly names [the youngest of whom is not yet 2 years old], run away, stayed out all night more than once, etc, etc...?
My kind of crazy does. It is a crazy given to me by God alone. I started praying 6 months before he moved in that God would bless me with a crazy, all encompassing, motherly love for this young man. I guess the old adage of "be careful what you ask for..." is true, because I asked, and God delivered! Thank you Jesus! I could not have survived, I could not have held on, I could not have continued to love without Gods hands all over this!
Maybe you were hoping for a fool-proof formula. A formula of worldly answers. There are lots of answers and lots of good information out there. But the anchor for it all is Jesus. Jesus is the beginning and the end of healing for my son, for my heart, for my family. Everything in between is just part of the broken road that leads to HIM!
My husband doesn't get this yet. It breaks my heart, and it causes a whole lot of tension between us at times. 20+ years of marriage, and we still struggle greatly at times. Trauma behaviors touch ALL corners of your life and nothing is left unscathed! Thankfully, we do communicate well. We have a great history of life together. We are both believers in Jesus Christ as Risen Lord and Savior. We are well anchored, but the seas are so rough and angry lately. We have been bouncing around a lot more than we want!
He doesn't get how I can claim to love my "newest" child like I love all my others. I can't explain it. It is a God thing. The Lord knew/knows I couldn't hold on strong enough, long enough, or patiently enough to be Mom all on my own.
God bless the broken road right? My son has a terribly broken road, but you know what? So do I! Only, no one really sees my broken road. The world long ago got used to my "trauma" behaviors and calls them "normal", as we live in a fallen world.
My son needed me,.but I needed him too! Because of him and his brokenness, I face my brokenness. Because of my need to hold so fiercely onto my love for my son, I now pray that Jesus holds me even more fiercely.
So I guess my kind of crazy is really not mine, but God's. I won't sugar coat it. It is what it takes.
It's been a really rough journey, and summer isn't proving to be any kind of picnic.
So I leave you with my worship song of today:
Listen hear!
My "trauma baby" is 17 now. He moved in to my home and heart the day after he turned 16. It has been one year and one month since I have called myself his MOM and called him my son. He, on the other hand, calls me a variety of things, none of which is mom. They range in creativity, but his most consistent things to call me are "hey you", "stupid fucking bitch", "parent" when talking with his friends, or lately he has actually started using my name in place of "hey you". I guess you could look for a positive spin and call that progress.
I guess most people would wonder what kind of crazy it takes to continue to love and let remain in your home a child who by legal rights is not only not yet ones own, but has stated to his social worker that he doesn't want to be adopted, and instead just remain in fostercare?! `A child who also almost daily states his hatred for you and your spouse.
What kind of crazy does it take to continue to love and have hope and patience to work with a child who puts you in a head lock because you took his cell phone, AFTER he called you a stupid f*****g bitch and threw your laptop computer? What kind of crazy does it take to hug a child and apologize for calling him a spoiled brat and for not being fair, even though he spent 10 minutes raging about ways he would hurt you if he didn't get his way? What kind of crazy still chooses to work on baby steps of trust with a child who has stolen from you, smoked weed in your home, had sex in your mothers house while she was at work, broken over $500 worth of stuff that wasn't his, basically totaled the teenage car by being stupid and not feeling apologetic, called you, your spouse, and your children ugly names [the youngest of whom is not yet 2 years old], run away, stayed out all night more than once, etc, etc...?
My kind of crazy does. It is a crazy given to me by God alone. I started praying 6 months before he moved in that God would bless me with a crazy, all encompassing, motherly love for this young man. I guess the old adage of "be careful what you ask for..." is true, because I asked, and God delivered! Thank you Jesus! I could not have survived, I could not have held on, I could not have continued to love without Gods hands all over this!
Maybe you were hoping for a fool-proof formula. A formula of worldly answers. There are lots of answers and lots of good information out there. But the anchor for it all is Jesus. Jesus is the beginning and the end of healing for my son, for my heart, for my family. Everything in between is just part of the broken road that leads to HIM!
My husband doesn't get this yet. It breaks my heart, and it causes a whole lot of tension between us at times. 20+ years of marriage, and we still struggle greatly at times. Trauma behaviors touch ALL corners of your life and nothing is left unscathed! Thankfully, we do communicate well. We have a great history of life together. We are both believers in Jesus Christ as Risen Lord and Savior. We are well anchored, but the seas are so rough and angry lately. We have been bouncing around a lot more than we want!
He doesn't get how I can claim to love my "newest" child like I love all my others. I can't explain it. It is a God thing. The Lord knew/knows I couldn't hold on strong enough, long enough, or patiently enough to be Mom all on my own.
God bless the broken road right? My son has a terribly broken road, but you know what? So do I! Only, no one really sees my broken road. The world long ago got used to my "trauma" behaviors and calls them "normal", as we live in a fallen world.
My son needed me,.but I needed him too! Because of him and his brokenness, I face my brokenness. Because of my need to hold so fiercely onto my love for my son, I now pray that Jesus holds me even more fiercely.
So I guess my kind of crazy is really not mine, but God's. I won't sugar coat it. It is what it takes.
It's been a really rough journey, and summer isn't proving to be any kind of picnic.
So I leave you with my worship song of today:
God sent His Son
They called Him Jesus
He came to love, heal and forgive
He lived and died to buy my pardon
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives
Because He lives I can face tomorrow
Because He lives all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives
And then one day
I'll cross that river
I'll fight life's final war with pain
And then as death gives way to vict'ry
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know he lives
Because He lives I can face tomorrow
Because He lives all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives
Songwriter(s): Gloria Gaither, Bill Gaither, Patrick Standfast, Arnthor Birgisson, Christian Karlsson, Alceu Alvez Damico
Copyright: Murlyn Songs AB, Warner/Chappell Edicoes Musicais Ltda
Lyrics from <a href="http://www.elyrics.net">eLyrics.net</a>
Listen hear!
Friday, July 19, 2013
Just For Today
To all of you for whom life is so easy for....
To all of you for whom life makes sense....
To all of you who have never been friendless....
To all of you who don't deal with anxiety, depression, fitting in....
Today, as a mother of a child that struggles daily with all of the above....
I really, really do not like you!
To all of you for whom life makes sense....
To all of you who have never been friendless....
To all of you who don't deal with anxiety, depression, fitting in....
Today, as a mother of a child that struggles daily with all of the above....
I really, really do not like you!
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
A Raging Need For Medication
So, our medication referral meeting for "R" is scheduled for August 1st. I just have to hold on till then I guess, glad he isn't trying to kill me! I asked for the referral around June 20th. Sometimes I forget why the professional world annoys me so much. When I tell them my 17 year old needs help asap, I don't mean 6 weeks!
It has been 3 months of hell. I don't want to go back to this time in life... E.V.E.R.! He is so angry.. at me... at my husband... at life... but mostly at me. I walk into a room and it ticks him off. I refuse to let the "keep him calm till I get the straight jacket on him" attitude prevail, but it is a very conscious fight!
My self esteem remains intact, but it's hanging by a thread. I know the things he says are just anger, and he doesn't mean them, he is just good at hate filled talk, and lately there is so much of it.
Yesterday he saw his therapists. Pointless mostly, because according to him he is fine. I left the room for a minute and he said something to her... but I don't know what and he wouldn't let her bring it up. That is fine. I hope it is real, and that maybe he is reaching out... but I get the impression it is more about "playing" the game and manipulating.. Sigh.
"R" has been with us just over a year, longer than any other fosterhome in the 5 years of care.. I think that is enough time to really be able to see what is going on with him, long enough to see a pattern, definitely long enough to see that he would benefit from some extra help in the form of meds. He even agrees, well almost agrees in that he doesn't adamantly disagree. Plus he tries to bargain all the time "I'll take medication if you let me...". I think it is a way to save face a little bit, by not admitting he thinks it is a good idea too.
This morning, well I don't know what this morning was. I guess I can chalk it up to a bright flashing green light for medication. I am typically very anti meds. I believe, like lots of people, that we overmedicate kids today. I also believe that there are many cases where it is beneficial, needed, and life saving.
About a month ago "R" asked if he could pay us to set up an Xbox live account for him. He had the money. We said sure. There was however, one simple rule. He COULD not give "J", our 12 year old and his half brother, the password. "J" is not allowed to ever use the internet or anything connected to it, with good reason. He agreed. Within 24 hours however,'"J" had the password... given to him by "R". We found out, changed "R"s password, and didn't give him the demanded refund. He was extremely unhappy, but we dealt with it.
Well today, he found out that a couple of the kids watch movies on Netflix on his profile. If you understand xbox live, you understand this does nothing to his account, costs him nothing. He paid for a 3 month subscription, it is unlimited use.
Long story short, he is laying into me, escalating, and inside I am just sighing with a "here we go again" mentality. But I hung in there, talking to him, sympathize, repeating his feelings, letting him know he could feel whatever way he wanted ... that they were his feelings. Rationalizing a little, but he couldn't/wouldn't listen.
So within a 15 minute period his rage escalated, calling me lovely names, threatening my person, throwing things at me, breaking a bar stool, then breaking 3 picture frames by clearing off a side table [needed dusting anyway I suppose]... and we ended up at the doctors office with him getting 3 stitches for a very deep cut on his finger.
This had been coming for a few days. I can sense these episodes, feel them coming, I just can't stop them. Maybe delay them, but they have to happen.
Basically he has 4 levels of anger. The first level is fairly typical for a teen, if not pushing it a little.. It involves name calling, swearing, slamming a door... but he can moderate, stop, try and bargain, etc. The second level is more intense, same as level one with nastier behavior, throwing small things but rarely breaking them, baiting me then leaving the room, more need for him to have a table or some piece of furniture between us to feel safe. Level three is ugly. It makes him seem unstable. His breathing is faster, his face and body are tense, his paranoia stronger, he is scary then. Not scary to me, but to the little kids, to the dogs, to a stranger. He throws things, and they do break. He throws things at me. He gets in my face, then retreats quickly to the other side of the room. He has rarely left bruises on me from throwing things, and yes I have been hit too. A restrained hit, more of a slapping out the way. If he wanted to nail me, I'd have a definite mark or broken bone to show for it, and I would be involving other people... aka SW, police, judge etc.. He will shove me, but never hit me. Level 4 is a rarity. In the year he has been with us, I have seen it 4, maybe 5 times. Level 4 is the end of everything. He is breathing fast and heavy, crying, gulping air, shaking, I think he is afraid. Level 4 is short lived, but intense. it is more like a panic attack. When my husband witnessed level 4 for the first time a couple of weeks ago, he wanted to give up on him thinking he was 'crazy' and going to hurt someone. It took a while to calm them both down. That is how weird it is to see a 17 year old, who can be so close to normal break down like this.
One of the hardest things is there isn't really any rhyme or reason to what level of anger he reaches. Like I said, I have gotten good at calming him down, helping him regulate. But it really just delays the inevitable.
I really am hoping medication takes the edge off. That is lets his brain stay engaged longer. He doesn't like it when this happens. I can see that. ... I can also see how relaxed he is after he gets through being angry and out of control.
I love this young man so much. In some ways we have come a long way this last year. In other ways I feel like with all the progress we have made, there have been other issues that have finally been released to need to be dealt with.
If I could have seen my daily life a year ago being at this point, I most likely would have said.... nope, can't do that. I am so glad I didn't see, didn't believe, didn't fully understand. Because I AM doing this, I CAN do this, and no I don't believe very many other people could. I guess pride can be motivating.
But not as motivating as LOVE. I do love him. I hurt for him, and I get really, really mad at him. I scream "I am a person too." "I have feelings too!" "I can get hurt too." ....
Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I smoke or drink. Yep, you read that right. I dont' do it because I need it, I do it to rebel. It is a little ridiculous, I am not sure who I am even rebelling against, but I know that is why I do it. :)
So as you go about your daily life, please say a prayer or have a good thought for me, my husband and all my kids, as we are hanging in there with everything we have until the first of August.
It has been 3 months of hell. I don't want to go back to this time in life... E.V.E.R.! He is so angry.. at me... at my husband... at life... but mostly at me. I walk into a room and it ticks him off. I refuse to let the "keep him calm till I get the straight jacket on him" attitude prevail, but it is a very conscious fight!
My self esteem remains intact, but it's hanging by a thread. I know the things he says are just anger, and he doesn't mean them, he is just good at hate filled talk, and lately there is so much of it.
Yesterday he saw his therapists. Pointless mostly, because according to him he is fine. I left the room for a minute and he said something to her... but I don't know what and he wouldn't let her bring it up. That is fine. I hope it is real, and that maybe he is reaching out... but I get the impression it is more about "playing" the game and manipulating.. Sigh.
"R" has been with us just over a year, longer than any other fosterhome in the 5 years of care.. I think that is enough time to really be able to see what is going on with him, long enough to see a pattern, definitely long enough to see that he would benefit from some extra help in the form of meds. He even agrees, well almost agrees in that he doesn't adamantly disagree. Plus he tries to bargain all the time "I'll take medication if you let me...". I think it is a way to save face a little bit, by not admitting he thinks it is a good idea too.
This morning, well I don't know what this morning was. I guess I can chalk it up to a bright flashing green light for medication. I am typically very anti meds. I believe, like lots of people, that we overmedicate kids today. I also believe that there are many cases where it is beneficial, needed, and life saving.
About a month ago "R" asked if he could pay us to set up an Xbox live account for him. He had the money. We said sure. There was however, one simple rule. He COULD not give "J", our 12 year old and his half brother, the password. "J" is not allowed to ever use the internet or anything connected to it, with good reason. He agreed. Within 24 hours however,'"J" had the password... given to him by "R". We found out, changed "R"s password, and didn't give him the demanded refund. He was extremely unhappy, but we dealt with it.
Well today, he found out that a couple of the kids watch movies on Netflix on his profile. If you understand xbox live, you understand this does nothing to his account, costs him nothing. He paid for a 3 month subscription, it is unlimited use.
Long story short, he is laying into me, escalating, and inside I am just sighing with a "here we go again" mentality. But I hung in there, talking to him, sympathize, repeating his feelings, letting him know he could feel whatever way he wanted ... that they were his feelings. Rationalizing a little, but he couldn't/wouldn't listen.
So within a 15 minute period his rage escalated, calling me lovely names, threatening my person, throwing things at me, breaking a bar stool, then breaking 3 picture frames by clearing off a side table [needed dusting anyway I suppose]... and we ended up at the doctors office with him getting 3 stitches for a very deep cut on his finger.
This had been coming for a few days. I can sense these episodes, feel them coming, I just can't stop them. Maybe delay them, but they have to happen.
Basically he has 4 levels of anger. The first level is fairly typical for a teen, if not pushing it a little.. It involves name calling, swearing, slamming a door... but he can moderate, stop, try and bargain, etc. The second level is more intense, same as level one with nastier behavior, throwing small things but rarely breaking them, baiting me then leaving the room, more need for him to have a table or some piece of furniture between us to feel safe. Level three is ugly. It makes him seem unstable. His breathing is faster, his face and body are tense, his paranoia stronger, he is scary then. Not scary to me, but to the little kids, to the dogs, to a stranger. He throws things, and they do break. He throws things at me. He gets in my face, then retreats quickly to the other side of the room. He has rarely left bruises on me from throwing things, and yes I have been hit too. A restrained hit, more of a slapping out the way. If he wanted to nail me, I'd have a definite mark or broken bone to show for it, and I would be involving other people... aka SW, police, judge etc.. He will shove me, but never hit me. Level 4 is a rarity. In the year he has been with us, I have seen it 4, maybe 5 times. Level 4 is the end of everything. He is breathing fast and heavy, crying, gulping air, shaking, I think he is afraid. Level 4 is short lived, but intense. it is more like a panic attack. When my husband witnessed level 4 for the first time a couple of weeks ago, he wanted to give up on him thinking he was 'crazy' and going to hurt someone. It took a while to calm them both down. That is how weird it is to see a 17 year old, who can be so close to normal break down like this.
One of the hardest things is there isn't really any rhyme or reason to what level of anger he reaches. Like I said, I have gotten good at calming him down, helping him regulate. But it really just delays the inevitable.
I really am hoping medication takes the edge off. That is lets his brain stay engaged longer. He doesn't like it when this happens. I can see that. ... I can also see how relaxed he is after he gets through being angry and out of control.
I love this young man so much. In some ways we have come a long way this last year. In other ways I feel like with all the progress we have made, there have been other issues that have finally been released to need to be dealt with.
If I could have seen my daily life a year ago being at this point, I most likely would have said.... nope, can't do that. I am so glad I didn't see, didn't believe, didn't fully understand. Because I AM doing this, I CAN do this, and no I don't believe very many other people could. I guess pride can be motivating.
But not as motivating as LOVE. I do love him. I hurt for him, and I get really, really mad at him. I scream "I am a person too." "I have feelings too!" "I can get hurt too." ....
Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I smoke or drink. Yep, you read that right. I dont' do it because I need it, I do it to rebel. It is a little ridiculous, I am not sure who I am even rebelling against, but I know that is why I do it. :)
So as you go about your daily life, please say a prayer or have a good thought for me, my husband and all my kids, as we are hanging in there with everything we have until the first of August.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Just me...
Hurting.
This sucks.
Feeling alone.
Angry.
This is too hard.
Feeling hopeless.
Beaten.
Tired of the insults.
I'm not made of stone.
Tears.
Holding them back.
Crying alone.
Tired.
Drama and rage are exhausting.
Not giving up.
Strength..
I can handle your hate.
I can take your insults.
Courage.
I will stick where others bailed.
I see the hurting child inside.
Love.
I love you.
Amidst all the rage, insults, and anger.
Love remains.
I love you.
I will always love you.
I am your Mom.
God made us a family.
God loves me.
God loves you.
Peace.
Come quickly.
Tonight I hurt.
Tonight I am scared.
Tonight I want to walk away.
Tonight I want to yell insults and hate back at you.
Tonight I want to see that I can hurt you.
I want to see your tears.
I want to see your fear.
I want to hear how you need me.
I want to hear how you want me to be your mom.
I want to hear you say you love me.
Silence.
You won't say it.
You may never say it.
I am sticking.
I am yours.
I will say it.
I love you.
I need you.
You are my son.
Love remains.
This sucks.
Feeling alone.
Angry.
This is too hard.
Feeling hopeless.
Beaten.
Tired of the insults.
I'm not made of stone.
Tears.
Holding them back.
Crying alone.
Tired.
Drama and rage are exhausting.
Not giving up.
Strength..
I can handle your hate.
I can take your insults.
Courage.
I will stick where others bailed.
I see the hurting child inside.
Love.
I love you.
Amidst all the rage, insults, and anger.
Love remains.
I love you.
I will always love you.
I am your Mom.
God made us a family.
God loves me.
God loves you.
Peace.
Come quickly.
Tonight I hurt.
Tonight I am scared.
Tonight I want to walk away.
Tonight I want to yell insults and hate back at you.
Tonight I want to see that I can hurt you.
I want to see your tears.
I want to see your fear.
I want to hear how you need me.
I want to hear how you want me to be your mom.
I want to hear you say you love me.
Silence.
You won't say it.
You may never say it.
I am sticking.
I am yours.
I will say it.
I love you.
I need you.
You are my son.
Love remains.
Monday, June 17, 2013
The Tides, They Will Turn....
Today sucked. Can I just say that?
I hate days like this. Days when I feel the storm rising. Days when I know the tidal wave is coming.
Coming,..... and unstoppable. I might be able to break it into smaller waves, but never be able to stop them from coming and wreaking havoc.
Let me start at the beginning.
Part One:
He [17 year old] is grounded for two weeks for smoking weed... again. And for possessing a nice amount and some smoking paraphenlia as well. I had found his "stash" after taking some weed I found in the car from the night before when he was out, to the police to confirm what it was.
So at 10 o'clock at night I loaded him up, along with what I found, and took him to the police station. By the time we got there he had already opened the car door on the highway threatening to jump out, punched my hand and left a nice bruise, and issued all kinds of threats.
I pulled up the the Sherriff's office and parked outside. We sat there for about 20 minutes, with him being almost completely shut down. I couldn't do it. I couldn't risk losing him since his adoption isn't final, I couldn't risk just losing HIM to himself fulfilling all his self prophecy.
I prayed silently, knowing this was a crucial moment between us. A moment that would make or break this fragile bond. So I prayed, pleaded actually for a quick answer because time was short, and I kept expecting him to just jump out of the car and take off.
There I sat, in my car, at night as the rain washed the mud off my windows and I battled with the choice between RELATIONSHIP AND what I "knew" was right [because breaking the law has big consequences, natural consequences].
And oh my goodness, I am a GOOD girl, obey the rules, fully understand natural consequences, HATE drugs, believe if you break the law you should be willing and made to pay, fair is fair and all that..... But as I sat there seeing my son scared, alone, shutting down, being "on his own" once again [remember 5 years in fostercare?]... I made a command decision and I threw all that bullshit right out the window!
I CHOSE RELATIONSHIP. I CHOSE LOVE. and the tide has shifted. Subtly, but shifted just the same. His urgency to leave, his hatred of me, his attitude .. it is softer, maybe just a bit more hopeful that I mean what I say when I tell him "I love you. I am keeping you. I am your Mom!"
Part Two:
Even a shifting tide has tidal waves right? June. What a trigger month for him this year. He turned 17, school is out, he has been here one year this month, his brother who has been in care with him for 5 years but never in the same home turns 18 this month, going to court for the foster care routine etc, etc. Suffice it to say, "Peace Like A River" he has not!
So here we sit, with the drug use this month coupled with the attitude of the last 6-8 weeks resulting in being grounded for 2 weeks. He actually did well the first week, esp considering I was prepared for a hurricane of hatred. He accepted it really well after pulling out all the charm, manipulation, and bargaining he was capable of.
I guess today he decided that he was over accepting being grounded gracefully. He woke up this morning bouncing off the wall, being completely annoying and irritating in a way no parent of a "typical" kid can truly understand. He wasn't mad, just bored and determined to cause problems, but not enough to "get in big trouble'.... time out, yelling, banished to the basement to watch tv etc [and yes, I do sit my 17 year old in time out, at least this 17 year old]. I kept telling him to "regulate yourself", I am just too tired. I told him to go lift weights, shoot baskets, jump on the trampoline because he seemed to really need sensory input... which gets him to reply with "Shut up, you say the weirdest things." :D
This went on all morning. After lunch it was just me, the 4 littles, and him. He asked me if a friend could come out. Now in the past, the few times he was grounded, I would still let friends come out, he just couldn't leave the house. We talked at the beginning how this time was different, and friends would not be coming out. He also was told that it was a minimum of being grounded for 2 weeks, and as long as he could remain mostly respectful and accepting of being grounded that it would only be for 2 weeks. I wasn't going for perfection, just not a 2 week anger fest!
So here we sat, and I knew the time had come for the storm. I was diplomatic, calm, sympathetic, reassuring, and apparently a giant FAILURE! He went from zero to 60 in a couple of seconds. He threw my dog from the loveseat we were sitting on,. across the room to the other couch ... about 10-12 feet [dog UNHURT!] He shoved me twice, in the neck, when I stood up to come and tell him that was NOT allowed.
He went downstairs after shoving me. I followed him. At which point after trying to talk to him, and being asked again "Why in the hell his friend couldn't come over...", I still was being calm. Sadly he still stood up and threw/kicked over the TV table/console. Our TV that we replaced after he broke the first one 7 months ago. I admit it, I was on the verge of tears until I knew that it was in fact NOT broken by some miracle of GOD!
I followed him then, upstairs to tell him to come and set the TV back up with me. He did.
Then he called me some names, said he was packing his stuff and running away. Back upstairs he went, and outside. I went upstairs too. But went in to sit with my dog and my little kids. That is when he started chucking stuff off the kitchen counter into the living room hitting the picture window and the TV. Things like the phone, a glass of water, various other stuff....
So I went back in the kitchen and asked him to stop throwing stuff before something got broken. I wont' give you the details of what happened next, but he was shoving me, I was shoving him, I was on the verge of tears, he was on the verge of tears, nothing therapeutic about this parenting moment!
He went in the bathroom and I shoved my way in too. Then I took some deep breaths,. and started over. "I didn't say never. I said not now. You only have 5 more days. I know it sucks, but I also know you are going to be ok. You have baseball practice in a bit, you can get a break when you go there." .... and then "I don't think I handled that real well. There are some things I would change if I could go back in time. I'm sorry if I made you feel like you had no choice in how to react.... Maybe there are some things you would change if you could too?" ... "NO." ... "Well, just think about it, maybe you will think differntly in a little bit." ....
Then I hugged him, from behind. He can not do hugs from the front when he is triggered, can't really hug me at all. But he will often let me hug him from behind. So I did.
I squeezed him tight, told him I loved him. Told him I EVEN loved him when he was having trouble maintaining control of himself, and how it made me feel sad because I could see he had a lot of anger to work through. But that he didn't have to work through any of it alone.
I told him I could handle his anger. Told him I could handle him. Told him people are always more important than things. I kissed the back of his head and left him alone.
Nothing else was thrown. Nothing else rude or nasty was said. Nothing more was asked. About an hour later he came to me and asked nicely if he could "please" drive to baseball practice. He told me goodbye and that he would see me later when he left.
**** now, I know there seems like a WHOLE host of things I might have done wrong. I am sure there were. But know that if I don't follow him, he keeps throwing and breaking stuff till I do! ****
I am praying tomorrow is a calmer day. I am praying for wisdom. I am praying that God continues to increase my love for this boy, whom I already love so much!
I am also praying that someone can learn from my sharing. This is real life, my life. ..... Not easy to share so openly, but I think it is going to be ok. I am going to be ok. <3
I hate days like this. Days when I feel the storm rising. Days when I know the tidal wave is coming.
Coming,..... and unstoppable. I might be able to break it into smaller waves, but never be able to stop them from coming and wreaking havoc.
Let me start at the beginning.
Part One:
He [17 year old] is grounded for two weeks for smoking weed... again. And for possessing a nice amount and some smoking paraphenlia as well. I had found his "stash" after taking some weed I found in the car from the night before when he was out, to the police to confirm what it was.
So at 10 o'clock at night I loaded him up, along with what I found, and took him to the police station. By the time we got there he had already opened the car door on the highway threatening to jump out, punched my hand and left a nice bruise, and issued all kinds of threats.
I pulled up the the Sherriff's office and parked outside. We sat there for about 20 minutes, with him being almost completely shut down. I couldn't do it. I couldn't risk losing him since his adoption isn't final, I couldn't risk just losing HIM to himself fulfilling all his self prophecy.
I prayed silently, knowing this was a crucial moment between us. A moment that would make or break this fragile bond. So I prayed, pleaded actually for a quick answer because time was short, and I kept expecting him to just jump out of the car and take off.
There I sat, in my car, at night as the rain washed the mud off my windows and I battled with the choice between RELATIONSHIP AND what I "knew" was right [because breaking the law has big consequences, natural consequences].
And oh my goodness, I am a GOOD girl, obey the rules, fully understand natural consequences, HATE drugs, believe if you break the law you should be willing and made to pay, fair is fair and all that..... But as I sat there seeing my son scared, alone, shutting down, being "on his own" once again [remember 5 years in fostercare?]... I made a command decision and I threw all that bullshit right out the window!
I CHOSE RELATIONSHIP. I CHOSE LOVE. and the tide has shifted. Subtly, but shifted just the same. His urgency to leave, his hatred of me, his attitude .. it is softer, maybe just a bit more hopeful that I mean what I say when I tell him "I love you. I am keeping you. I am your Mom!"
Part Two:
Even a shifting tide has tidal waves right? June. What a trigger month for him this year. He turned 17, school is out, he has been here one year this month, his brother who has been in care with him for 5 years but never in the same home turns 18 this month, going to court for the foster care routine etc, etc. Suffice it to say, "Peace Like A River" he has not!
So here we sit, with the drug use this month coupled with the attitude of the last 6-8 weeks resulting in being grounded for 2 weeks. He actually did well the first week, esp considering I was prepared for a hurricane of hatred. He accepted it really well after pulling out all the charm, manipulation, and bargaining he was capable of.
I guess today he decided that he was over accepting being grounded gracefully. He woke up this morning bouncing off the wall, being completely annoying and irritating in a way no parent of a "typical" kid can truly understand. He wasn't mad, just bored and determined to cause problems, but not enough to "get in big trouble'.... time out, yelling, banished to the basement to watch tv etc [and yes, I do sit my 17 year old in time out, at least this 17 year old]. I kept telling him to "regulate yourself", I am just too tired. I told him to go lift weights, shoot baskets, jump on the trampoline because he seemed to really need sensory input... which gets him to reply with "Shut up, you say the weirdest things." :D
This went on all morning. After lunch it was just me, the 4 littles, and him. He asked me if a friend could come out. Now in the past, the few times he was grounded, I would still let friends come out, he just couldn't leave the house. We talked at the beginning how this time was different, and friends would not be coming out. He also was told that it was a minimum of being grounded for 2 weeks, and as long as he could remain mostly respectful and accepting of being grounded that it would only be for 2 weeks. I wasn't going for perfection, just not a 2 week anger fest!
So here we sat, and I knew the time had come for the storm. I was diplomatic, calm, sympathetic, reassuring, and apparently a giant FAILURE! He went from zero to 60 in a couple of seconds. He threw my dog from the loveseat we were sitting on,. across the room to the other couch ... about 10-12 feet [dog UNHURT!] He shoved me twice, in the neck, when I stood up to come and tell him that was NOT allowed.
He went downstairs after shoving me. I followed him. At which point after trying to talk to him, and being asked again "Why in the hell his friend couldn't come over...", I still was being calm. Sadly he still stood up and threw/kicked over the TV table/console. Our TV that we replaced after he broke the first one 7 months ago. I admit it, I was on the verge of tears until I knew that it was in fact NOT broken by some miracle of GOD!
I followed him then, upstairs to tell him to come and set the TV back up with me. He did.
Then he called me some names, said he was packing his stuff and running away. Back upstairs he went, and outside. I went upstairs too. But went in to sit with my dog and my little kids. That is when he started chucking stuff off the kitchen counter into the living room hitting the picture window and the TV. Things like the phone, a glass of water, various other stuff....
So I went back in the kitchen and asked him to stop throwing stuff before something got broken. I wont' give you the details of what happened next, but he was shoving me, I was shoving him, I was on the verge of tears, he was on the verge of tears, nothing therapeutic about this parenting moment!
He went in the bathroom and I shoved my way in too. Then I took some deep breaths,. and started over. "I didn't say never. I said not now. You only have 5 more days. I know it sucks, but I also know you are going to be ok. You have baseball practice in a bit, you can get a break when you go there." .... and then "I don't think I handled that real well. There are some things I would change if I could go back in time. I'm sorry if I made you feel like you had no choice in how to react.... Maybe there are some things you would change if you could too?" ... "NO." ... "Well, just think about it, maybe you will think differntly in a little bit." ....
Then I hugged him, from behind. He can not do hugs from the front when he is triggered, can't really hug me at all. But he will often let me hug him from behind. So I did.
I squeezed him tight, told him I loved him. Told him I EVEN loved him when he was having trouble maintaining control of himself, and how it made me feel sad because I could see he had a lot of anger to work through. But that he didn't have to work through any of it alone.
I told him I could handle his anger. Told him I could handle him. Told him people are always more important than things. I kissed the back of his head and left him alone.
Nothing else was thrown. Nothing else rude or nasty was said. Nothing more was asked. About an hour later he came to me and asked nicely if he could "please" drive to baseball practice. He told me goodbye and that he would see me later when he left.
**** now, I know there seems like a WHOLE host of things I might have done wrong. I am sure there were. But know that if I don't follow him, he keeps throwing and breaking stuff till I do! ****
I am praying tomorrow is a calmer day. I am praying for wisdom. I am praying that God continues to increase my love for this boy, whom I already love so much!
I am also praying that someone can learn from my sharing. This is real life, my life. ..... Not easy to share so openly, but I think it is going to be ok. I am going to be ok. <3
Thursday, May 30, 2013
GET OUT
I hate the foster care system! I hate it and there are not enough synonyms in the English language to fully explain my depth of hatred for a system that is ruining or has been ruining my son. He is 16. He has been in state care for almost 5 1/2 years! The last year has been with me.
We are finally through step one, the termination of parental rights. Rights which were supposed to have been terminated long ago, but the birthfather "came back to life." .... Nothing was being done until we said "We want to adopt him.". Now he has been with us 11 months. Rights are terminated. He turns 17 in less than one month. And all we can do is sit still because the foster care contract is switching hands in June and everyone is in a tizzy and things will take time to get ironed out.
Add to that the fact that this child exhibits and deals with some very big issues that make life very hard, and you have one mad Mama! My hands feel so tied. HE is not afraid to hurt himself to spite me, or to "protect" himself and claim it is what he wants. The prime example being he wants to be adopted and likes us when he is able to get his way, EXACTLY his way. This usually involves my car, my money, and my having my husband mad at me. If he doens't get his way.. he hates us, calls his worker, and can't wait to leave.
Now his worker came out today, tells him he doesn't have to be adopted, it is up to him. The judge can't let him be adopted without his consent. WELL THANK YOU for that piece of information! Let's just give this 16 year old, going on 5 ALL the power to decide how his life will go!
What does she care? She hasn't invested EVERYTHING she has in this child for 11 months? It isn't her window, her car, her car radio, her closet doors, her walls, her expensive and beautiful dresser, her coffee cups, her millions of other little things lying about broken! IT isn't her tears that hit the pillow at night. It isn't her little ones that flinch sometimes when he walks by. It isn't HER life, HER heart, HER pride, HER marriage, HER family that is battling finding the balance between surviving and drowning, between helping and hurting.
So yes, I HATE the stupid, worthless, unsafe system! There is a real chance that by court on Tuesday that he will be mad at me again, and so his "Yes, I want to be adopted" that he gave this morning, could change again to "NO, I don't want to. I want out of this "effing" house."
How can you let a child decide where he will live, and if he needs a family, this family who has been good to him and for him, if he can't even decide his own curfew, can't hold a job, can't figure out planning between point A and point B? Hello stupid people? Are you getting this? Is this making any sense? Are you really, truly going to sit back and let my child destroy the ONLY thing and the ONLY family that has stood by him through shit that no family should have to deal with???
I am scared to death. I love this boy with all my heart! I don't get a fostercare payment, we are doign this out of kinship care. SO instead of the $900 + that his last 2 homes received, we get a paltry $84/month. Thanks, that covers pretty much nothing! So it isn't about the money!
I would walk through fire for this son of mine. I basically have, or at least it feels that way. His rages can sure leave me feeling signed by the heat.
Yesterday I told him he couldn't drive into town. We are having trusting issues, as in he keeps breaking my trust. He wasn't grounded, just had to find a friend that would come pick him up. He was livid, and before we were back to a good place he had broken a stereo speaker AND a very nice and expensive pine dresser... with a baseball bat!
He then threatened to "bash my head open" with the bat if I didn't... how did he put it?... "Shut my stupid "effing" mouth." I told him "If you need to hit something else with the bat, could you just hit the couch? It will be less bloody." Never thought I would be in a position to say that! He would not ever hit me with it... at least not unless I backed him into a corner, and then it would only be about survival. I would never scare him like that.
But I am tired of parenting this child with a whole mess of cooks trying to make the stew! You CAN"T parent a child like him in this way! THEY play the system, THEY triangulate, manipulate, and aren't interested in your feelings when they are just trying their hardest to survive!
I need the states hands OUT OF THIS POT before it is too late! Praying God has this because I don't see a good end.
We are finally through step one, the termination of parental rights. Rights which were supposed to have been terminated long ago, but the birthfather "came back to life." .... Nothing was being done until we said "We want to adopt him.". Now he has been with us 11 months. Rights are terminated. He turns 17 in less than one month. And all we can do is sit still because the foster care contract is switching hands in June and everyone is in a tizzy and things will take time to get ironed out.
Add to that the fact that this child exhibits and deals with some very big issues that make life very hard, and you have one mad Mama! My hands feel so tied. HE is not afraid to hurt himself to spite me, or to "protect" himself and claim it is what he wants. The prime example being he wants to be adopted and likes us when he is able to get his way, EXACTLY his way. This usually involves my car, my money, and my having my husband mad at me. If he doens't get his way.. he hates us, calls his worker, and can't wait to leave.
Now his worker came out today, tells him he doesn't have to be adopted, it is up to him. The judge can't let him be adopted without his consent. WELL THANK YOU for that piece of information! Let's just give this 16 year old, going on 5 ALL the power to decide how his life will go!
What does she care? She hasn't invested EVERYTHING she has in this child for 11 months? It isn't her window, her car, her car radio, her closet doors, her walls, her expensive and beautiful dresser, her coffee cups, her millions of other little things lying about broken! IT isn't her tears that hit the pillow at night. It isn't her little ones that flinch sometimes when he walks by. It isn't HER life, HER heart, HER pride, HER marriage, HER family that is battling finding the balance between surviving and drowning, between helping and hurting.
So yes, I HATE the stupid, worthless, unsafe system! There is a real chance that by court on Tuesday that he will be mad at me again, and so his "Yes, I want to be adopted" that he gave this morning, could change again to "NO, I don't want to. I want out of this "effing" house."
How can you let a child decide where he will live, and if he needs a family, this family who has been good to him and for him, if he can't even decide his own curfew, can't hold a job, can't figure out planning between point A and point B? Hello stupid people? Are you getting this? Is this making any sense? Are you really, truly going to sit back and let my child destroy the ONLY thing and the ONLY family that has stood by him through shit that no family should have to deal with???
I am scared to death. I love this boy with all my heart! I don't get a fostercare payment, we are doign this out of kinship care. SO instead of the $900 + that his last 2 homes received, we get a paltry $84/month. Thanks, that covers pretty much nothing! So it isn't about the money!
I would walk through fire for this son of mine. I basically have, or at least it feels that way. His rages can sure leave me feeling signed by the heat.
Yesterday I told him he couldn't drive into town. We are having trusting issues, as in he keeps breaking my trust. He wasn't grounded, just had to find a friend that would come pick him up. He was livid, and before we were back to a good place he had broken a stereo speaker AND a very nice and expensive pine dresser... with a baseball bat!
He then threatened to "bash my head open" with the bat if I didn't... how did he put it?... "Shut my stupid "effing" mouth." I told him "If you need to hit something else with the bat, could you just hit the couch? It will be less bloody." Never thought I would be in a position to say that! He would not ever hit me with it... at least not unless I backed him into a corner, and then it would only be about survival. I would never scare him like that.
But I am tired of parenting this child with a whole mess of cooks trying to make the stew! You CAN"T parent a child like him in this way! THEY play the system, THEY triangulate, manipulate, and aren't interested in your feelings when they are just trying their hardest to survive!
I need the states hands OUT OF THIS POT before it is too late! Praying God has this because I don't see a good end.
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