CALL ME CRAZY

I admit it still throws me for a loop when I realize other people are choosing to live a life similar to mine. It is the life of welcoming a child who has been greatly affected by trauma, and hence exhibits almost daily trauma induced behaviors, into ones home and life..  Not only welcoming them, but choosing to love them fiercely in the process. And oh boy, do I love my trauma baby fiercely!

My "trauma baby" is 17 now.  He moved in to my home and heart the day after he turned 16.  It has been one year and one month since I have called myself his MOM and called him my son.  He, on the other hand, calls me a variety of things, none of which is mom.  They range in creativity, but his most consistent things to call me are "hey you", "stupid fucking bitch", "parent" when talking with his friends, or lately he has actually started using my name in place of "hey you".  I guess you could look for a positive spin and call that progress.

I guess most people would wonder what kind of crazy it takes to continue to love and let remain in your home a child who by legal rights is not only not yet ones own, but has stated to his social worker that he doesn't want to be adopted, and instead just remain in fostercare?!  `A child who also almost daily states his hatred for you and your spouse.

What kind of crazy does it take to continue to love and have hope and patience to work with a child who puts you in a head lock because you took his cell phone, AFTER he called you a stupid f*****g bitch and threw your laptop computer?   What kind of crazy does it take to hug a child and apologize for calling him a spoiled brat and for not being fair, even though he spent 10 minutes raging about ways he would hurt you if he didn't get his way?  What kind of crazy still chooses to work on baby steps of trust with a child who has stolen from you, smoked weed in your home, had sex in your mothers house while she was at work, broken over $500 worth of stuff that wasn't his, basically totaled the teenage car by being stupid and not feeling apologetic, called you, your spouse, and your children ugly names [the youngest of whom is not yet 2 years old], run away, stayed out all night more than once, etc, etc...?

My kind of crazy does.  It is a crazy given to me by God alone.  I started praying 6 months before he moved in that God would bless me with a crazy, all encompassing, motherly love for this young man.  I guess the old adage of "be careful what you ask for..." is true, because I asked, and God delivered!   Thank you Jesus!  I could not have survived, I could not have held on, I could not have continued to love without Gods hands all over this!

Maybe you were hoping for a fool-proof formula.  A formula of worldly answers.  There are lots of answers and lots of good information out there.  But the anchor for it all is Jesus.  Jesus is the beginning and the end of healing for my son, for my heart, for my family.  Everything in between is just part of the broken road that leads to HIM!

My husband doesn't get this yet.  It breaks my heart, and it causes a whole lot of tension between us at times.  20+ years of marriage, and we still struggle greatly at times. Trauma behaviors touch ALL corners of your life and nothing is left unscathed!  Thankfully, we do communicate well.  We have a great history of life together.  We are both believers in Jesus Christ as Risen Lord and Savior.  We are well anchored, but the seas are so rough and angry lately.  We have been bouncing around a lot more than we want!

He doesn't get how I can claim to love my "newest" child like I love all my others.  I can't explain it.  It is a God thing.  The Lord knew/knows I couldn't hold on strong enough, long enough, or patiently enough to be Mom all on my own.

God bless the broken road right?  My son has a terribly broken road, but you know what?  So do I!  Only, no one really sees my broken road.  The world long ago got used to my "trauma" behaviors and calls them "normal", as we live in a fallen world. 

My son needed me,.but I needed him too!  Because of him and his brokenness, I face my brokenness.  Because of my need to hold so fiercely onto my love for my son, I now pray that Jesus holds me even more fiercely.

So I guess my kind of crazy is really not mine, but God's.  I won't sugar coat it.  It is what it takes.
 It's been a really rough journey, and summer isn't proving to be any kind of picnic.

So I leave you with my worship song of today:

God sent His Son
They called Him Jesus
He came to love, heal and forgive
He lived and died to buy my pardon
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives

Because He lives I can face tomorrow
Because He lives all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives

And then one day
I'll cross that river
I'll fight life's final war with pain
And then as death gives way to vict'ry
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know he lives

Because He lives I can face tomorrow
Because He lives all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives
Songwriter(s): Gloria Gaither, Bill Gaither, Patrick Standfast, Arnthor Birgisson, Christian Karlsson, Alceu Alvez Damico
Copyright: Murlyn Songs AB, Warner/Chappell Edicoes Musicais Ltda

Lyrics from <a href="http://www.elyrics.net">eLyrics.net</a>

Listen hear!

Just For Today

To all of you for whom life is so easy for....

To all of you for whom life makes sense....

To all of you who have never been friendless....

To all of you who don't deal with anxiety, depression, fitting in....

Today, as a mother of a child that struggles daily with all of the above....

I really, really do not like you!  

A Raging Need For Medication

So, our medication referral meeting for "R" is scheduled for August 1st.  I just have to hold on till then I guess, glad he isn't trying to kill me!  I asked for the referral around June 20th.   Sometimes I forget why the professional world annoys me so much.  When I tell them my 17 year old needs help asap, I don't mean 6 weeks!

It has been 3 months of hell.  I don't want to go back to this time in life... E.V.E.R.!  He is so angry.. at me... at my husband... at life... but mostly at me.  I walk into a room and it ticks him off.  I refuse to let the "keep him calm till I get the straight jacket on him" attitude prevail, but it is a very conscious fight! 

My self esteem remains intact, but it's hanging by a thread.  I know the things he says are just anger, and he doesn't mean them, he is just good at hate filled talk, and lately there is so much of it. 

Yesterday he saw his therapists.  Pointless mostly, because according to him he is fine.  I left the room for a minute and he said something to her... but I don't know what and he wouldn't let her bring it up.  That is fine.  I hope it is real, and that maybe he is reaching out... but I get the impression it is more about "playing" the game and manipulating.. Sigh. 


"R" has been with us just over a year, longer than any other fosterhome in the 5 years of care..  I think that is enough time to really be able to see what is going on with him, long enough to see a pattern, definitely long enough to see that he would benefit from some extra help in the form of meds.  He even agrees, well almost agrees in that he doesn't adamantly disagree.  Plus he tries to bargain all the time "I'll take medication if you let me...".  I think it is a way to save face a little bit, by not admitting he thinks it is a good idea too.

 This morning, well I don't know what this morning was.  I guess I can chalk it up to a bright flashing green light for medication.   I am typically very anti meds.  I believe, like lots of people, that we overmedicate kids today.  I also believe that there are many cases where it is beneficial, needed, and life saving. 

About a month ago "R" asked if he could pay us to set up an Xbox live account for him.  He had the money.  We said sure.  There was however, one simple rule.  He COULD not give "J", our 12 year old and his half brother, the password.  "J" is not allowed to ever use the internet or anything connected to it, with good reason.  He agreed.  Within 24 hours however,'"J" had the password... given to him by "R".  We found out, changed "R"s password, and didn't give him the demanded refund.  He was extremely unhappy, but we dealt with it.

Well today, he found out that a couple of the kids watch movies on Netflix on his profile. If you understand xbox live, you understand this does nothing to his account, costs him nothing.  He paid for a 3 month subscription, it is unlimited use. 

Long story short, he is laying into me, escalating, and inside I am just sighing with a "here we go again" mentality.  But I hung in there, talking to him, sympathize, repeating his feelings, letting him know he could feel whatever way he wanted ... that they were his feelings.  Rationalizing a little, but he couldn't/wouldn't listen.

So within a 15 minute period his rage escalated, calling me lovely names, threatening my person, throwing things at me, breaking a bar stool, then breaking 3 picture frames by clearing off a side table [needed dusting anyway I suppose]... and we ended up at the doctors office with him getting 3 stitches for a very deep cut on his finger.  

This had been coming for a few days.  I can sense these episodes, feel them coming, I just can't stop them.  Maybe delay them, but they have to happen.

Basically he has 4 levels of anger.  The first level is fairly typical for a teen, if not pushing it a little..  It involves name calling, swearing, slamming a door... but he can moderate, stop, try and bargain, etc.  The second level is more intense, same as level one with nastier behavior, throwing small things but rarely breaking them, baiting me then leaving the room, more need for him to have a table or some piece of furniture between us to feel safe.  Level three is ugly.  It makes him seem unstable.  His breathing is faster, his face and body are tense, his paranoia stronger, he is scary then.  Not scary to me, but to the little kids, to the dogs, to a stranger.  He throws things, and they do break.  He throws things at me.  He gets in my face, then retreats quickly to the other side of the room.  He has rarely left bruises on me from throwing things, and yes I have been hit too.  A restrained hit, more of a slapping out the way.  If he wanted to nail me, I'd have a definite mark or broken bone to show for it, and I would be involving other people... aka SW, police, judge etc..  He will shove me, but never hit me.  Level 4 is a rarity.  In the year he has been with us, I have seen it 4, maybe 5 times.  Level 4 is the end of everything.  He is breathing fast and heavy, crying, gulping air, shaking, I think he is afraid.  Level 4 is short lived, but intense.  it is more like a panic attack.  When my husband witnessed level 4 for the first time a couple of weeks ago, he wanted to give up on him thinking he was 'crazy' and going to hurt someone.  It took a while to calm them both down.  That is how weird it is to see a 17 year old, who can be so close to normal break down like this.

One of the hardest things is there isn't really any rhyme or reason to what level of anger he reaches.  Like I said, I have gotten good at calming him down, helping him regulate.  But it really just delays the inevitable. 

I really am hoping medication takes the edge off.  That is lets his brain stay engaged longer.  He doesn't like it when this happens.  I can see that.  ... I can also see how relaxed he is after he gets through being angry and out of control. 

I love this young man so much.  In some ways we have come a long way this last year.  In other ways I feel like with all the progress we have made, there have been other issues that have finally been released to need to be dealt with. 

If I could have seen my daily life a year ago being at this point, I most likely would have said.... nope, can't do that.  I am so glad I didn't see, didn't believe, didn't fully understand.  Because I AM doing this, I CAN do this, and no I don't believe very many other people could.  I guess pride can be motivating. 

But not as motivating as LOVE.  I do love him.  I hurt for him, and I get really, really mad at him.  I scream "I am a person too."  "I have feelings too!"  "I can get hurt too." ....

Sometimes I cry.  Sometimes I laugh.  Sometimes I smoke or drink.  Yep, you read that right.  I dont' do it because I need it, I do it to rebel.  It is a little ridiculous, I am not sure who I am even rebelling against, but I know that is why I do it. :) 

So as you go about your daily life, please say a prayer or have a good thought for me, my husband and all my kids, as we are hanging in there with everything we have until the first of August.