Hurting.
This sucks.
Feeling alone.
Angry.
This is too hard.
Feeling hopeless.
Beaten.
Tired of the insults.
I'm not made of stone.
Tears.
Holding them back.
Crying alone.
Tired.
Drama and rage are exhausting.
Not giving up.
Strength..
I can handle your hate.
I can take your insults.
Courage.
I will stick where others bailed.
I see the hurting child inside.
Love.
I love you.
Amidst all the rage, insults, and anger.
Love remains.
I love you.
I will always love you.
I am your Mom.
God made us a family.
God loves me.
God loves you.
Peace.
Come quickly.
Tonight I hurt.
Tonight I am scared.
Tonight I want to walk away.
Tonight I want to yell insults and hate back at you.
Tonight I want to see that I can hurt you.
I want to see your tears.
I want to see your fear.
I want to hear how you need me.
I want to hear how you want me to be your mom.
I want to hear you say you love me.
Silence.
You won't say it.
You may never say it.
I am sticking.
I am yours.
I will say it.
I love you.
I need you.
You are my son.
Love remains.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
The Tides, They Will Turn....
Today sucked. Can I just say that?
I hate days like this. Days when I feel the storm rising. Days when I know the tidal wave is coming.
Coming,..... and unstoppable. I might be able to break it into smaller waves, but never be able to stop them from coming and wreaking havoc.
Let me start at the beginning.
Part One:
He [17 year old] is grounded for two weeks for smoking weed... again. And for possessing a nice amount and some smoking paraphenlia as well. I had found his "stash" after taking some weed I found in the car from the night before when he was out, to the police to confirm what it was.
So at 10 o'clock at night I loaded him up, along with what I found, and took him to the police station. By the time we got there he had already opened the car door on the highway threatening to jump out, punched my hand and left a nice bruise, and issued all kinds of threats.
I pulled up the the Sherriff's office and parked outside. We sat there for about 20 minutes, with him being almost completely shut down. I couldn't do it. I couldn't risk losing him since his adoption isn't final, I couldn't risk just losing HIM to himself fulfilling all his self prophecy.
I prayed silently, knowing this was a crucial moment between us. A moment that would make or break this fragile bond. So I prayed, pleaded actually for a quick answer because time was short, and I kept expecting him to just jump out of the car and take off.
There I sat, in my car, at night as the rain washed the mud off my windows and I battled with the choice between RELATIONSHIP AND what I "knew" was right [because breaking the law has big consequences, natural consequences].
And oh my goodness, I am a GOOD girl, obey the rules, fully understand natural consequences, HATE drugs, believe if you break the law you should be willing and made to pay, fair is fair and all that..... But as I sat there seeing my son scared, alone, shutting down, being "on his own" once again [remember 5 years in fostercare?]... I made a command decision and I threw all that bullshit right out the window!
I CHOSE RELATIONSHIP. I CHOSE LOVE. and the tide has shifted. Subtly, but shifted just the same. His urgency to leave, his hatred of me, his attitude .. it is softer, maybe just a bit more hopeful that I mean what I say when I tell him "I love you. I am keeping you. I am your Mom!"
Part Two:
Even a shifting tide has tidal waves right? June. What a trigger month for him this year. He turned 17, school is out, he has been here one year this month, his brother who has been in care with him for 5 years but never in the same home turns 18 this month, going to court for the foster care routine etc, etc. Suffice it to say, "Peace Like A River" he has not!
So here we sit, with the drug use this month coupled with the attitude of the last 6-8 weeks resulting in being grounded for 2 weeks. He actually did well the first week, esp considering I was prepared for a hurricane of hatred. He accepted it really well after pulling out all the charm, manipulation, and bargaining he was capable of.
I guess today he decided that he was over accepting being grounded gracefully. He woke up this morning bouncing off the wall, being completely annoying and irritating in a way no parent of a "typical" kid can truly understand. He wasn't mad, just bored and determined to cause problems, but not enough to "get in big trouble'.... time out, yelling, banished to the basement to watch tv etc [and yes, I do sit my 17 year old in time out, at least this 17 year old]. I kept telling him to "regulate yourself", I am just too tired. I told him to go lift weights, shoot baskets, jump on the trampoline because he seemed to really need sensory input... which gets him to reply with "Shut up, you say the weirdest things." :D
This went on all morning. After lunch it was just me, the 4 littles, and him. He asked me if a friend could come out. Now in the past, the few times he was grounded, I would still let friends come out, he just couldn't leave the house. We talked at the beginning how this time was different, and friends would not be coming out. He also was told that it was a minimum of being grounded for 2 weeks, and as long as he could remain mostly respectful and accepting of being grounded that it would only be for 2 weeks. I wasn't going for perfection, just not a 2 week anger fest!
So here we sat, and I knew the time had come for the storm. I was diplomatic, calm, sympathetic, reassuring, and apparently a giant FAILURE! He went from zero to 60 in a couple of seconds. He threw my dog from the loveseat we were sitting on,. across the room to the other couch ... about 10-12 feet [dog UNHURT!] He shoved me twice, in the neck, when I stood up to come and tell him that was NOT allowed.
He went downstairs after shoving me. I followed him. At which point after trying to talk to him, and being asked again "Why in the hell his friend couldn't come over...", I still was being calm. Sadly he still stood up and threw/kicked over the TV table/console. Our TV that we replaced after he broke the first one 7 months ago. I admit it, I was on the verge of tears until I knew that it was in fact NOT broken by some miracle of GOD!
I followed him then, upstairs to tell him to come and set the TV back up with me. He did.
Then he called me some names, said he was packing his stuff and running away. Back upstairs he went, and outside. I went upstairs too. But went in to sit with my dog and my little kids. That is when he started chucking stuff off the kitchen counter into the living room hitting the picture window and the TV. Things like the phone, a glass of water, various other stuff....
So I went back in the kitchen and asked him to stop throwing stuff before something got broken. I wont' give you the details of what happened next, but he was shoving me, I was shoving him, I was on the verge of tears, he was on the verge of tears, nothing therapeutic about this parenting moment!
He went in the bathroom and I shoved my way in too. Then I took some deep breaths,. and started over. "I didn't say never. I said not now. You only have 5 more days. I know it sucks, but I also know you are going to be ok. You have baseball practice in a bit, you can get a break when you go there." .... and then "I don't think I handled that real well. There are some things I would change if I could go back in time. I'm sorry if I made you feel like you had no choice in how to react.... Maybe there are some things you would change if you could too?" ... "NO." ... "Well, just think about it, maybe you will think differntly in a little bit." ....
Then I hugged him, from behind. He can not do hugs from the front when he is triggered, can't really hug me at all. But he will often let me hug him from behind. So I did.
I squeezed him tight, told him I loved him. Told him I EVEN loved him when he was having trouble maintaining control of himself, and how it made me feel sad because I could see he had a lot of anger to work through. But that he didn't have to work through any of it alone.
I told him I could handle his anger. Told him I could handle him. Told him people are always more important than things. I kissed the back of his head and left him alone.
Nothing else was thrown. Nothing else rude or nasty was said. Nothing more was asked. About an hour later he came to me and asked nicely if he could "please" drive to baseball practice. He told me goodbye and that he would see me later when he left.
**** now, I know there seems like a WHOLE host of things I might have done wrong. I am sure there were. But know that if I don't follow him, he keeps throwing and breaking stuff till I do! ****
I am praying tomorrow is a calmer day. I am praying for wisdom. I am praying that God continues to increase my love for this boy, whom I already love so much!
I am also praying that someone can learn from my sharing. This is real life, my life. ..... Not easy to share so openly, but I think it is going to be ok. I am going to be ok. <3
I hate days like this. Days when I feel the storm rising. Days when I know the tidal wave is coming.
Coming,..... and unstoppable. I might be able to break it into smaller waves, but never be able to stop them from coming and wreaking havoc.
Let me start at the beginning.
Part One:
He [17 year old] is grounded for two weeks for smoking weed... again. And for possessing a nice amount and some smoking paraphenlia as well. I had found his "stash" after taking some weed I found in the car from the night before when he was out, to the police to confirm what it was.
So at 10 o'clock at night I loaded him up, along with what I found, and took him to the police station. By the time we got there he had already opened the car door on the highway threatening to jump out, punched my hand and left a nice bruise, and issued all kinds of threats.
I pulled up the the Sherriff's office and parked outside. We sat there for about 20 minutes, with him being almost completely shut down. I couldn't do it. I couldn't risk losing him since his adoption isn't final, I couldn't risk just losing HIM to himself fulfilling all his self prophecy.
I prayed silently, knowing this was a crucial moment between us. A moment that would make or break this fragile bond. So I prayed, pleaded actually for a quick answer because time was short, and I kept expecting him to just jump out of the car and take off.
There I sat, in my car, at night as the rain washed the mud off my windows and I battled with the choice between RELATIONSHIP AND what I "knew" was right [because breaking the law has big consequences, natural consequences].
And oh my goodness, I am a GOOD girl, obey the rules, fully understand natural consequences, HATE drugs, believe if you break the law you should be willing and made to pay, fair is fair and all that..... But as I sat there seeing my son scared, alone, shutting down, being "on his own" once again [remember 5 years in fostercare?]... I made a command decision and I threw all that bullshit right out the window!
I CHOSE RELATIONSHIP. I CHOSE LOVE. and the tide has shifted. Subtly, but shifted just the same. His urgency to leave, his hatred of me, his attitude .. it is softer, maybe just a bit more hopeful that I mean what I say when I tell him "I love you. I am keeping you. I am your Mom!"
Part Two:
Even a shifting tide has tidal waves right? June. What a trigger month for him this year. He turned 17, school is out, he has been here one year this month, his brother who has been in care with him for 5 years but never in the same home turns 18 this month, going to court for the foster care routine etc, etc. Suffice it to say, "Peace Like A River" he has not!
So here we sit, with the drug use this month coupled with the attitude of the last 6-8 weeks resulting in being grounded for 2 weeks. He actually did well the first week, esp considering I was prepared for a hurricane of hatred. He accepted it really well after pulling out all the charm, manipulation, and bargaining he was capable of.
I guess today he decided that he was over accepting being grounded gracefully. He woke up this morning bouncing off the wall, being completely annoying and irritating in a way no parent of a "typical" kid can truly understand. He wasn't mad, just bored and determined to cause problems, but not enough to "get in big trouble'.... time out, yelling, banished to the basement to watch tv etc [and yes, I do sit my 17 year old in time out, at least this 17 year old]. I kept telling him to "regulate yourself", I am just too tired. I told him to go lift weights, shoot baskets, jump on the trampoline because he seemed to really need sensory input... which gets him to reply with "Shut up, you say the weirdest things." :D
This went on all morning. After lunch it was just me, the 4 littles, and him. He asked me if a friend could come out. Now in the past, the few times he was grounded, I would still let friends come out, he just couldn't leave the house. We talked at the beginning how this time was different, and friends would not be coming out. He also was told that it was a minimum of being grounded for 2 weeks, and as long as he could remain mostly respectful and accepting of being grounded that it would only be for 2 weeks. I wasn't going for perfection, just not a 2 week anger fest!
So here we sat, and I knew the time had come for the storm. I was diplomatic, calm, sympathetic, reassuring, and apparently a giant FAILURE! He went from zero to 60 in a couple of seconds. He threw my dog from the loveseat we were sitting on,. across the room to the other couch ... about 10-12 feet [dog UNHURT!] He shoved me twice, in the neck, when I stood up to come and tell him that was NOT allowed.
He went downstairs after shoving me. I followed him. At which point after trying to talk to him, and being asked again "Why in the hell his friend couldn't come over...", I still was being calm. Sadly he still stood up and threw/kicked over the TV table/console. Our TV that we replaced after he broke the first one 7 months ago. I admit it, I was on the verge of tears until I knew that it was in fact NOT broken by some miracle of GOD!
I followed him then, upstairs to tell him to come and set the TV back up with me. He did.
Then he called me some names, said he was packing his stuff and running away. Back upstairs he went, and outside. I went upstairs too. But went in to sit with my dog and my little kids. That is when he started chucking stuff off the kitchen counter into the living room hitting the picture window and the TV. Things like the phone, a glass of water, various other stuff....
So I went back in the kitchen and asked him to stop throwing stuff before something got broken. I wont' give you the details of what happened next, but he was shoving me, I was shoving him, I was on the verge of tears, he was on the verge of tears, nothing therapeutic about this parenting moment!
He went in the bathroom and I shoved my way in too. Then I took some deep breaths,. and started over. "I didn't say never. I said not now. You only have 5 more days. I know it sucks, but I also know you are going to be ok. You have baseball practice in a bit, you can get a break when you go there." .... and then "I don't think I handled that real well. There are some things I would change if I could go back in time. I'm sorry if I made you feel like you had no choice in how to react.... Maybe there are some things you would change if you could too?" ... "NO." ... "Well, just think about it, maybe you will think differntly in a little bit." ....
Then I hugged him, from behind. He can not do hugs from the front when he is triggered, can't really hug me at all. But he will often let me hug him from behind. So I did.
I squeezed him tight, told him I loved him. Told him I EVEN loved him when he was having trouble maintaining control of himself, and how it made me feel sad because I could see he had a lot of anger to work through. But that he didn't have to work through any of it alone.
I told him I could handle his anger. Told him I could handle him. Told him people are always more important than things. I kissed the back of his head and left him alone.
Nothing else was thrown. Nothing else rude or nasty was said. Nothing more was asked. About an hour later he came to me and asked nicely if he could "please" drive to baseball practice. He told me goodbye and that he would see me later when he left.
**** now, I know there seems like a WHOLE host of things I might have done wrong. I am sure there were. But know that if I don't follow him, he keeps throwing and breaking stuff till I do! ****
I am praying tomorrow is a calmer day. I am praying for wisdom. I am praying that God continues to increase my love for this boy, whom I already love so much!
I am also praying that someone can learn from my sharing. This is real life, my life. ..... Not easy to share so openly, but I think it is going to be ok. I am going to be ok. <3
Thursday, May 30, 2013
GET OUT
I hate the foster care system! I hate it and there are not enough synonyms in the English language to fully explain my depth of hatred for a system that is ruining or has been ruining my son. He is 16. He has been in state care for almost 5 1/2 years! The last year has been with me.
We are finally through step one, the termination of parental rights. Rights which were supposed to have been terminated long ago, but the birthfather "came back to life." .... Nothing was being done until we said "We want to adopt him.". Now he has been with us 11 months. Rights are terminated. He turns 17 in less than one month. And all we can do is sit still because the foster care contract is switching hands in June and everyone is in a tizzy and things will take time to get ironed out.
Add to that the fact that this child exhibits and deals with some very big issues that make life very hard, and you have one mad Mama! My hands feel so tied. HE is not afraid to hurt himself to spite me, or to "protect" himself and claim it is what he wants. The prime example being he wants to be adopted and likes us when he is able to get his way, EXACTLY his way. This usually involves my car, my money, and my having my husband mad at me. If he doens't get his way.. he hates us, calls his worker, and can't wait to leave.
Now his worker came out today, tells him he doesn't have to be adopted, it is up to him. The judge can't let him be adopted without his consent. WELL THANK YOU for that piece of information! Let's just give this 16 year old, going on 5 ALL the power to decide how his life will go!
What does she care? She hasn't invested EVERYTHING she has in this child for 11 months? It isn't her window, her car, her car radio, her closet doors, her walls, her expensive and beautiful dresser, her coffee cups, her millions of other little things lying about broken! IT isn't her tears that hit the pillow at night. It isn't her little ones that flinch sometimes when he walks by. It isn't HER life, HER heart, HER pride, HER marriage, HER family that is battling finding the balance between surviving and drowning, between helping and hurting.
So yes, I HATE the stupid, worthless, unsafe system! There is a real chance that by court on Tuesday that he will be mad at me again, and so his "Yes, I want to be adopted" that he gave this morning, could change again to "NO, I don't want to. I want out of this "effing" house."
How can you let a child decide where he will live, and if he needs a family, this family who has been good to him and for him, if he can't even decide his own curfew, can't hold a job, can't figure out planning between point A and point B? Hello stupid people? Are you getting this? Is this making any sense? Are you really, truly going to sit back and let my child destroy the ONLY thing and the ONLY family that has stood by him through shit that no family should have to deal with???
I am scared to death. I love this boy with all my heart! I don't get a fostercare payment, we are doign this out of kinship care. SO instead of the $900 + that his last 2 homes received, we get a paltry $84/month. Thanks, that covers pretty much nothing! So it isn't about the money!
I would walk through fire for this son of mine. I basically have, or at least it feels that way. His rages can sure leave me feeling signed by the heat.
Yesterday I told him he couldn't drive into town. We are having trusting issues, as in he keeps breaking my trust. He wasn't grounded, just had to find a friend that would come pick him up. He was livid, and before we were back to a good place he had broken a stereo speaker AND a very nice and expensive pine dresser... with a baseball bat!
He then threatened to "bash my head open" with the bat if I didn't... how did he put it?... "Shut my stupid "effing" mouth." I told him "If you need to hit something else with the bat, could you just hit the couch? It will be less bloody." Never thought I would be in a position to say that! He would not ever hit me with it... at least not unless I backed him into a corner, and then it would only be about survival. I would never scare him like that.
But I am tired of parenting this child with a whole mess of cooks trying to make the stew! You CAN"T parent a child like him in this way! THEY play the system, THEY triangulate, manipulate, and aren't interested in your feelings when they are just trying their hardest to survive!
I need the states hands OUT OF THIS POT before it is too late! Praying God has this because I don't see a good end.
We are finally through step one, the termination of parental rights. Rights which were supposed to have been terminated long ago, but the birthfather "came back to life." .... Nothing was being done until we said "We want to adopt him.". Now he has been with us 11 months. Rights are terminated. He turns 17 in less than one month. And all we can do is sit still because the foster care contract is switching hands in June and everyone is in a tizzy and things will take time to get ironed out.
Add to that the fact that this child exhibits and deals with some very big issues that make life very hard, and you have one mad Mama! My hands feel so tied. HE is not afraid to hurt himself to spite me, or to "protect" himself and claim it is what he wants. The prime example being he wants to be adopted and likes us when he is able to get his way, EXACTLY his way. This usually involves my car, my money, and my having my husband mad at me. If he doens't get his way.. he hates us, calls his worker, and can't wait to leave.
Now his worker came out today, tells him he doesn't have to be adopted, it is up to him. The judge can't let him be adopted without his consent. WELL THANK YOU for that piece of information! Let's just give this 16 year old, going on 5 ALL the power to decide how his life will go!
What does she care? She hasn't invested EVERYTHING she has in this child for 11 months? It isn't her window, her car, her car radio, her closet doors, her walls, her expensive and beautiful dresser, her coffee cups, her millions of other little things lying about broken! IT isn't her tears that hit the pillow at night. It isn't her little ones that flinch sometimes when he walks by. It isn't HER life, HER heart, HER pride, HER marriage, HER family that is battling finding the balance between surviving and drowning, between helping and hurting.
So yes, I HATE the stupid, worthless, unsafe system! There is a real chance that by court on Tuesday that he will be mad at me again, and so his "Yes, I want to be adopted" that he gave this morning, could change again to "NO, I don't want to. I want out of this "effing" house."
How can you let a child decide where he will live, and if he needs a family, this family who has been good to him and for him, if he can't even decide his own curfew, can't hold a job, can't figure out planning between point A and point B? Hello stupid people? Are you getting this? Is this making any sense? Are you really, truly going to sit back and let my child destroy the ONLY thing and the ONLY family that has stood by him through shit that no family should have to deal with???
I am scared to death. I love this boy with all my heart! I don't get a fostercare payment, we are doign this out of kinship care. SO instead of the $900 + that his last 2 homes received, we get a paltry $84/month. Thanks, that covers pretty much nothing! So it isn't about the money!
I would walk through fire for this son of mine. I basically have, or at least it feels that way. His rages can sure leave me feeling signed by the heat.
Yesterday I told him he couldn't drive into town. We are having trusting issues, as in he keeps breaking my trust. He wasn't grounded, just had to find a friend that would come pick him up. He was livid, and before we were back to a good place he had broken a stereo speaker AND a very nice and expensive pine dresser... with a baseball bat!
He then threatened to "bash my head open" with the bat if I didn't... how did he put it?... "Shut my stupid "effing" mouth." I told him "If you need to hit something else with the bat, could you just hit the couch? It will be less bloody." Never thought I would be in a position to say that! He would not ever hit me with it... at least not unless I backed him into a corner, and then it would only be about survival. I would never scare him like that.
But I am tired of parenting this child with a whole mess of cooks trying to make the stew! You CAN"T parent a child like him in this way! THEY play the system, THEY triangulate, manipulate, and aren't interested in your feelings when they are just trying their hardest to survive!
I need the states hands OUT OF THIS POT before it is too late! Praying God has this because I don't see a good end.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Scary Times...
He is terrified. I saw it tonight, that terrified and lost little boy.
As mad as I am, my heart is hurting for him. He thinks he hid the scared side from me.
I don't know what to do. How do you talk about feelings to a 16 year old young man who is like a 10 year old emotionally, and more disconnected from his emotional state than anyone I have ever met? Full of pride. Full of bravado. Full of survival mode. Full of denial.
I can't even put my finger on what he is so scared of specifically. I know that in the months he has been with us we got through the beginning rough patch to a good couple of months, and then it all went south and got rougher... and wouldn't quit going downhill.
School is out, his birthday is coming up, parental rights are finally terminated and the adoption can move forward, he quit his job, he flunked 5 of 8 classes... these can all be triggers, but I don't think they are the main reason.
I think, regardless of how many times I say it, he is scared he will have to leave. I think he likes me, maybe even loves me, and that terrifies him.
He keeps threatening to run away. I am pulling out all stops and scrambling to recall everything I have read and all the advice people have given me. I repeat what he says. I suggest what he might be feeling inside. I tell him how worried and scared I would be for him. How my main concern would be to know he was safe. How I would drive around to everyone and everywhere I thought he might be. How much I love him.
He went from saying he was running away and no one would find him for at least a week, to saying he might come back after a day. I asked him twice for a hug, he will almost always let me hug him from behind as long as he isn't in raging. He couldn't do it this time. He couldn't even look at me. I think he was protecting his heart.
I keep putting my heart on the line. I don't want to show vulnerability. I sure don't want to feel vulnerable... because I know how it will end. I will keep getting hurt over and over.
But I know you can't love someone from a place of survival. I know that because that is where he is at. I know you can't embrace someone with your arms folded.
I love him so much. I just wish he could trust that.
As mad as I am, my heart is hurting for him. He thinks he hid the scared side from me.
I don't know what to do. How do you talk about feelings to a 16 year old young man who is like a 10 year old emotionally, and more disconnected from his emotional state than anyone I have ever met? Full of pride. Full of bravado. Full of survival mode. Full of denial.
I can't even put my finger on what he is so scared of specifically. I know that in the months he has been with us we got through the beginning rough patch to a good couple of months, and then it all went south and got rougher... and wouldn't quit going downhill.
School is out, his birthday is coming up, parental rights are finally terminated and the adoption can move forward, he quit his job, he flunked 5 of 8 classes... these can all be triggers, but I don't think they are the main reason.
I think, regardless of how many times I say it, he is scared he will have to leave. I think he likes me, maybe even loves me, and that terrifies him.
He keeps threatening to run away. I am pulling out all stops and scrambling to recall everything I have read and all the advice people have given me. I repeat what he says. I suggest what he might be feeling inside. I tell him how worried and scared I would be for him. How my main concern would be to know he was safe. How I would drive around to everyone and everywhere I thought he might be. How much I love him.
He went from saying he was running away and no one would find him for at least a week, to saying he might come back after a day. I asked him twice for a hug, he will almost always let me hug him from behind as long as he isn't in raging. He couldn't do it this time. He couldn't even look at me. I think he was protecting his heart.
I keep putting my heart on the line. I don't want to show vulnerability. I sure don't want to feel vulnerable... because I know how it will end. I will keep getting hurt over and over.
But I know you can't love someone from a place of survival. I know that because that is where he is at. I know you can't embrace someone with your arms folded.
I love him so much. I just wish he could trust that.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
The Puzzle
The downward spiral.
It is happening.
I am watching it.
Right before my eyes I feel like I am losing him.
I don't think he can stop it.
His "friends" change constantly, but each time they are his best friend. Day or night, Sunday -Saturday, he wants to do something with them. But slowly they start to disappear. And a new friend or two moves in. He is friends with everyone and no one. I don't think people can "take him" for long. He is intense, dramatic, and to my surprise socially awkward and inept. I don't think people see that right off the bat.
He lies over inconsequential things.
He can't even plan how to get from point A to point B.
He isn't holding himself together as well in front of people now.
He flunked 5 of his 8 classes this nine weeks.
I think maybe he is like a puzzle that got put together wrong. To put it together right, it has to broken completely apart. You have to start back at square one.
So maybe saying that I can see it happening, see the downward spiral is actually a good thing. Maybe healing can only begin once all the pieces are broken apart.
It is happening.
I am watching it.
Right before my eyes I feel like I am losing him.
I don't think he can stop it.
His "friends" change constantly, but each time they are his best friend. Day or night, Sunday -Saturday, he wants to do something with them. But slowly they start to disappear. And a new friend or two moves in. He is friends with everyone and no one. I don't think people can "take him" for long. He is intense, dramatic, and to my surprise socially awkward and inept. I don't think people see that right off the bat.
He lies over inconsequential things.
He can't even plan how to get from point A to point B.
He isn't holding himself together as well in front of people now.
He flunked 5 of his 8 classes this nine weeks.
I think maybe he is like a puzzle that got put together wrong. To put it together right, it has to broken completely apart. You have to start back at square one.
So maybe saying that I can see it happening, see the downward spiral is actually a good thing. Maybe healing can only begin once all the pieces are broken apart.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Monsters
I let the monster in.
During the hard times and sleepless nights. During the screaming rages and destructive tantrums. During the times I see my blind 7 year old daughter or my one year old son flinch when my 16 year old walks by. During the times I catch him, at age 12, looking at pornography, taking inappropriate self portraits, emailing inappropriate material. During the times he yells at me that I am a "stupid fucking bitch". During the times my 7 year old repeats things that a 7 year old should not know. During the times when a simple family outing is never a simple family outing. During the times I can't hold my crying 1 year old because my 16 year old needs help calming down and me holding the baby is a trigger. During the times I talk with my littles once again about body parts, correct names, private areas, telling an adult, bad touch/good touch. During those times I see their innocence lost. During the times I wish I could close the closet door, but can't because he broke it... along with the car stereo, the TV, holes in the wall, the picture window, the airbag, and multiple little things.
It is during those times I falter. My faith waivers. My heart breaks. My tears fall. And I think to myself....
I let the monster in.
I held the door. I invited it right in. Even welcomed it. I let my protective walls crumble and fall
and I let it into my home. I gave it a bright red painted target on each of my children.
Don't mistake my words for a minute. My children are not the monster. The monster is EVIL. Plain and simple, pure and unmistakable EVIL. It struck my two precious boys, whom we adopted [are adopting], as infants. Today they are 12 and 16. Their birthmom didn't even try to keep the monster at bay, it had probably struck her as an infant too. These cycles are repetitive. The monster had a long time to terrorize them, and no one stepped in to protect them.
I had to let the monster in.
It had a hold on them and they couldn't come in without it tagging along. I had to trust that my GOD was stronger than the monster, stronger than the EVIL that had them. He asked me to trust Him, He asked me to let them in, He asked me to let EVIL in. Let it in, and let HIM overcome. He asked me to live a life that I can't live without HIM.
I falter. I waiver. I break. I fall.
But HE doesn't. It isn't even a fight for Him! He just doesn't waiver. He doesn't lose. I don't even have to hold onto Him, I don't have enough strength. All I have to do is reach for Him!
He asks me to love. Love who He puts in my path. Love the children He shares with me. Love the hurting, the sick, the tired, the needy, the orphan, the fosterchild, the challenging child, the struggling child, the outcast, the aging, the suffering, the sinner, the homosexual, the dirty, the ones evil has an all too tight hold on.... I can't love while holding up a shield. I can't love by guarding my heart. I can't love by saying not THIS house. I can't love by remaining just like the world. I can't love by drawing lines in the sand.
Katie Davis always says it so well.
So yes, I let the monster in. I didn't "take a chance" on God. It's a sure thing. This is NOT a GAMBLE! HE has already overcome EVIL!
I falter. I waiver. I break. I fall. But I am reassured. My resolve returns. My heart heals. I get back up. And I am once again their mom. Fully committed, fully in love with them, fully humbled that He called me to stretch and blessed me so greatly in the process.
During the hard times and sleepless nights. During the screaming rages and destructive tantrums. During the times I see my blind 7 year old daughter or my one year old son flinch when my 16 year old walks by. During the times I catch him, at age 12, looking at pornography, taking inappropriate self portraits, emailing inappropriate material. During the times he yells at me that I am a "stupid fucking bitch". During the times my 7 year old repeats things that a 7 year old should not know. During the times when a simple family outing is never a simple family outing. During the times I can't hold my crying 1 year old because my 16 year old needs help calming down and me holding the baby is a trigger. During the times I talk with my littles once again about body parts, correct names, private areas, telling an adult, bad touch/good touch. During those times I see their innocence lost. During the times I wish I could close the closet door, but can't because he broke it... along with the car stereo, the TV, holes in the wall, the picture window, the airbag, and multiple little things.
It is during those times I falter. My faith waivers. My heart breaks. My tears fall. And I think to myself....
I let the monster in.
I held the door. I invited it right in. Even welcomed it. I let my protective walls crumble and fall
and I let it into my home. I gave it a bright red painted target on each of my children.
Don't mistake my words for a minute. My children are not the monster. The monster is EVIL. Plain and simple, pure and unmistakable EVIL. It struck my two precious boys, whom we adopted [are adopting], as infants. Today they are 12 and 16. Their birthmom didn't even try to keep the monster at bay, it had probably struck her as an infant too. These cycles are repetitive. The monster had a long time to terrorize them, and no one stepped in to protect them.
I had to let the monster in.
It had a hold on them and they couldn't come in without it tagging along. I had to trust that my GOD was stronger than the monster, stronger than the EVIL that had them. He asked me to trust Him, He asked me to let them in, He asked me to let EVIL in. Let it in, and let HIM overcome. He asked me to live a life that I can't live without HIM.
I falter. I waiver. I break. I fall.
But HE doesn't. It isn't even a fight for Him! He just doesn't waiver. He doesn't lose. I don't even have to hold onto Him, I don't have enough strength. All I have to do is reach for Him!
He asks me to love. Love who He puts in my path. Love the children He shares with me. Love the hurting, the sick, the tired, the needy, the orphan, the fosterchild, the challenging child, the struggling child, the outcast, the aging, the suffering, the sinner, the homosexual, the dirty, the ones evil has an all too tight hold on.... I can't love while holding up a shield. I can't love by guarding my heart. I can't love by saying not THIS house. I can't love by remaining just like the world. I can't love by drawing lines in the sand.
Katie Davis always says it so well.
"I can’t fold my arms and simultaneously reach out for my Savior." -- Katie Davis
So yes, I let the monster in. I didn't "take a chance" on God. It's a sure thing. This is NOT a GAMBLE! HE has already overcome EVIL!
I falter. I waiver. I break. I fall. But I am reassured. My resolve returns. My heart heals. I get back up. And I am once again their mom. Fully committed, fully in love with them, fully humbled that He called me to stretch and blessed me so greatly in the process.
8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ~ 2 Corinthians
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Hallmark Doesn't Live Here
I admit it, Hallmark commercials make me cry. <3
They used to make me cry because they reminded me of the life I was living,
the beautiful and loving family I was raising. We weren't perfect, there were
plenty of arguements, but always with the comfort and hope of beauty to come.
Of family holidays full of love. Of phone calls from across the miles sharing hopes,
dreams, news about life. Of shared secrets, shared traditions, motherly advice well
received and mayhaps even treasured. I saw the Hallmark commericals in the
eyes of my children.
But Hallmark doesn't live here anymore.
Intead of family holidays full of love, we have stress, yelling, anger over things not
being completely fair. Instead of phone calls across the miles sharing hopes and dreams,
I fear we will have phone calls of needing money, followed by hate and anger when
it isn't forth coming. Instead of shared secrets, and traditions... we will share
trauma, anger, threats, manipulation, fear, self-loathing, and insults.
Hallmark doesn't live here anymore.
Trauma has come in. Trauma has taken root. Trauma has brought fear, pain,
emotional drama, anger, and survival to the forefront of every special occasion.
I hear comments about who should not be in the family. I hear comments of how
someone is babied and favored. I hear comments about the stress and noise of
the everyday. I hear comments about my children just wanting to be old enough
to get out of here and get away from the drama. "The one person who annoys me
more than anyone else on earth, you choose to adopt!" screams my middle son.
I see how my "little ones" now know things that others their age don't need to know.
I see how they go and retreat/hide when the yelling and anger and raging start.
It breaks this mama's heart.
Hallmark doesn't live here anymore, but pain and heartache do.
Mothers Day is coming up. I should want this all to end. I should want him
to just leave. I should want to walk away while I still can. I should be done with him,
sick of him, disliking him, protecting myself.
But HOPE won't leave. I love him. I AM his mom. Every "F- You". Every "Stupid Bit#h".
Every "I hate this shit hole, I am leaving". EVERY. INSULT. HURTS.
I am his mom. I love him. I can't let him go, nor do I want to. Sometimes
I feel so guilty over that, over what my other children now
live with. But life wasn't meant to be perfect. Life and a forever family
weren't meant to be only for a select few.
My children are getting stronger. They are daily living out compassion,
compromise, courage,tolerance, and love. They are so strong. They
will not only overcome, but thrive. Adversity can make you better.
I want Hallmark to come back, my heart says it will.
Give me a Hallmark moment.
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