The Tides, They Will Turn....

Today sucked.  Can I just say that?

I hate days like this.  Days when I feel the storm rising.  Days when I know the tidal wave is coming.

Coming,..... and unstoppable.  I might be able to break it into smaller waves, but never be able to stop them from coming and wreaking havoc.

Let me start at the beginning.

Part One:

He [17 year old] is grounded for two weeks for smoking weed... again.  And for possessing a nice amount and some smoking paraphenlia as well.   I had found his "stash" after taking some weed I found in the car from the night before when he was out, to the police to confirm what it was.

So at 10 o'clock at night I loaded him up, along with what I found, and took him to the police station.  By the time we got there he had already opened the car door on the highway threatening to jump out, punched my hand and left a nice bruise, and issued all kinds of threats.

I pulled up the the Sherriff's office and parked outside.  We sat there for about 20 minutes, with him being almost completely shut down.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't risk losing him since his adoption isn't final, I couldn't risk just losing HIM to himself fulfilling all his self prophecy.

I prayed silently, knowing this was a crucial moment between us.  A moment that would make or break this fragile bond.  So I prayed, pleaded actually for a quick answer because time was short, and I kept expecting him to just jump out of the car and take off. 

There I sat, in my car, at night as the rain washed the mud off my windows and I battled with the choice between RELATIONSHIP AND what I "knew" was right [because breaking the law has big consequences, natural consequences].

And oh my goodness, I am a GOOD girl, obey the rules, fully understand natural consequences, HATE drugs, believe if you break the law you should be willing and made to pay, fair is fair and all that..... But as I sat there seeing my son scared, alone, shutting down, being "on his own" once again [remember 5 years in fostercare?]... I made a command decision and I threw all that bullshit right out the window!


I CHOSE RELATIONSHIP.  I CHOSE LOVE.  and the tide has shifted.  Subtly, but shifted just the same.  His urgency to leave, his hatred of me, his attitude .. it is softer, maybe just a bit more hopeful that I mean what I say when I tell him "I love you.  I am keeping you.  I am your Mom!" 


Part Two:

Even a shifting tide has tidal waves right?  June.  What a trigger month for him this year.  He turned 17, school is out, he has been here one year this month, his brother who has been in care with him for 5 years but never in the same home turns 18 this month, going to court for the foster care routine etc, etc.  Suffice it to say, "Peace Like A River" he has not! 

So here we sit, with the drug use this month coupled with the attitude of the last 6-8 weeks resulting in being grounded for 2 weeks.  He actually did well the first week, esp considering I was prepared for a hurricane of hatred.  He accepted it really well after pulling out all the charm, manipulation, and bargaining he was capable of.

I guess today he decided that he was over accepting being grounded gracefully.  He woke up this morning bouncing off the wall, being completely annoying and irritating in a way no parent of a "typical" kid can truly understand.  He wasn't mad, just bored and determined to cause problems, but not enough to "get in big trouble'.... time out, yelling, banished to the basement to watch tv etc [and yes, I do sit my 17 year old in time out, at least this 17 year old].   I kept telling him to "regulate yourself", I am just too tired.  I told him to go lift weights, shoot baskets, jump on the trampoline because he seemed to really need sensory input... which gets him to reply with "Shut up, you say the weirdest things."  :D

This went on all morning.  After lunch it was just me, the 4 littles, and him.  He asked me if a friend could come out.  Now in the past, the few times he was grounded, I would still let friends come out, he just couldn't leave the house.  We talked at the beginning how this time was different, and friends would not be coming out.  He also was told that it was a minimum of being grounded for 2 weeks, and as long as he could remain mostly respectful and accepting of being grounded that it would only be for 2 weeks.  I wasn't going for perfection, just not a 2 week anger fest!

So here we sat, and I knew the time had come for the storm.  I was diplomatic, calm, sympathetic, reassuring, and apparently a giant FAILURE!  He went from zero to 60 in a couple of seconds.  He threw my dog from the loveseat we were sitting on,. across the room to the other couch ... about 10-12 feet [dog UNHURT!]  He shoved me twice, in the neck, when I stood up to come and tell him that was NOT allowed.

He went downstairs after shoving me.  I followed him.  At which point after trying to talk to him, and being asked again "Why in the hell his friend couldn't come over...", I still was being calm. Sadly he still stood up and threw/kicked over the TV table/console.  Our TV  that we replaced after he broke the first one 7 months ago.  I admit it, I was on the verge of tears until I knew that it was in fact NOT broken by some miracle of GOD!

I followed him then, upstairs to tell him to come and set the TV back up with me.  He did.

Then he called me some names, said he was packing his stuff and running away.  Back upstairs he went, and outside.  I went upstairs too.  But went in to sit with my dog and my little kids. That is when he started chucking stuff off the kitchen counter into the living room hitting the picture window and the TV.   Things like the phone, a glass of water, various other stuff....

So I went back in the kitchen and asked him to stop throwing stuff before something got broken.  I wont' give you the details of what happened next, but he was shoving me, I was shoving him, I was on the verge of tears, he was on the verge of tears, nothing therapeutic about this parenting moment!

He went in the bathroom and I shoved my way in too.  Then I took some deep breaths,. and started over.  "I didn't say never.  I said not now.  You only have 5 more days.  I know it sucks, but I also know you are going to be ok.  You have baseball practice in a bit, you can get a break when you go there." ....  and then "I don't think I handled that real well.  There are some things I would change if I could go back in time.  I'm sorry if I made you feel like you had no choice in how to react.... Maybe there are some things you would change if you could too?"    ... "NO."  ... "Well, just think about it, maybe you will think differntly in a little bit."  ....

Then I hugged him, from behind.  He can not do hugs from the front when he is triggered, can't really hug me at all.  But he will often let me hug him from behind.  So I did.  

I squeezed him tight, told him I loved him.  Told him I EVEN loved him when he was having trouble maintaining control of himself, and how it made me feel sad because I could see he had a lot of anger to work through.  But that he didn't have to work through any of it alone. 

I told him I could handle his anger.  Told him I could handle him.  Told him people are always more important than things.  I kissed the back of his head and left him alone.  

Nothing else was thrown.  Nothing else rude or nasty was said.  Nothing more was asked.  About an hour later he came to me and asked nicely if he could "please" drive to baseball practice.  He told me goodbye and that he would see me later when he left.  

**** now, I know there seems like a WHOLE host of things I might have done wrong.  I am sure there were.  But know that if I don't follow him, he keeps throwing and breaking stuff till I do! ****

I am praying tomorrow is a calmer day.  I am praying for wisdom.  I am praying that God continues to increase my love for this boy, whom I already love so much!

I am also praying that someone can learn from my sharing.  This is real life, my life.  ..... Not easy to share so openly, but I think it is going to be ok.  I am going to be ok.  <3