My "trauma baby" is 17 now. He moved in to my home and heart the day after he turned 16. It has been one year and one month since I have called myself his MOM and called him my son. He, on the other hand, calls me a variety of things, none of which is mom. They range in creativity, but his most consistent things to call me are "hey you", "stupid fucking bitch", "parent" when talking with his friends, or lately he has actually started using my name in place of "hey you". I guess you could look for a positive spin and call that progress.
I guess most people would wonder what kind of crazy it takes to continue to love and let remain in your home a child who by legal rights is not only not yet ones own, but has stated to his social worker that he doesn't want to be adopted, and instead just remain in fostercare?! `A child who also almost daily states his hatred for you and your spouse.
What kind of crazy does it take to continue to love and have hope and patience to work with a child who puts you in a head lock because you took his cell phone, AFTER he called you a stupid f*****g bitch and threw your laptop computer? What kind of crazy does it take to hug a child and apologize for calling him a spoiled brat and for not being fair, even though he spent 10 minutes raging about ways he would hurt you if he didn't get his way? What kind of crazy still chooses to work on baby steps of trust with a child who has stolen from you, smoked weed in your home, had sex in your mothers house while she was at work, broken over $500 worth of stuff that wasn't his, basically totaled the teenage car by being stupid and not feeling apologetic, called you, your spouse, and your children ugly names [the youngest of whom is not yet 2 years old], run away, stayed out all night more than once, etc, etc...?
My kind of crazy does. It is a crazy given to me by God alone. I started praying 6 months before he moved in that God would bless me with a crazy, all encompassing, motherly love for this young man. I guess the old adage of "be careful what you ask for..." is true, because I asked, and God delivered! Thank you Jesus! I could not have survived, I could not have held on, I could not have continued to love without Gods hands all over this!
Maybe you were hoping for a fool-proof formula. A formula of worldly answers. There are lots of answers and lots of good information out there. But the anchor for it all is Jesus. Jesus is the beginning and the end of healing for my son, for my heart, for my family. Everything in between is just part of the broken road that leads to HIM!
My husband doesn't get this yet. It breaks my heart, and it causes a whole lot of tension between us at times. 20+ years of marriage, and we still struggle greatly at times. Trauma behaviors touch ALL corners of your life and nothing is left unscathed! Thankfully, we do communicate well. We have a great history of life together. We are both believers in Jesus Christ as Risen Lord and Savior. We are well anchored, but the seas are so rough and angry lately. We have been bouncing around a lot more than we want!
He doesn't get how I can claim to love my "newest" child like I love all my others. I can't explain it. It is a God thing. The Lord knew/knows I couldn't hold on strong enough, long enough, or patiently enough to be Mom all on my own.
God bless the broken road right? My son has a terribly broken road, but you know what? So do I! Only, no one really sees my broken road. The world long ago got used to my "trauma" behaviors and calls them "normal", as we live in a fallen world.
My son needed me,.but I needed him too! Because of him and his brokenness, I face my brokenness. Because of my need to hold so fiercely onto my love for my son, I now pray that Jesus holds me even more fiercely.
So I guess my kind of crazy is really not mine, but God's. I won't sugar coat it. It is what it takes.
It's been a really rough journey, and summer isn't proving to be any kind of picnic.
So I leave you with my worship song of today:
God sent His Son
They called Him Jesus
He came to love, heal and forgive
He lived and died to buy my pardon
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives
Because He lives I can face tomorrow
Because He lives all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives
And then one day
I'll cross that river
I'll fight life's final war with pain
And then as death gives way to vict'ry
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know he lives
Because He lives I can face tomorrow
Because He lives all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives
Songwriter(s): Gloria Gaither, Bill Gaither, Patrick Standfast, Arnthor Birgisson, Christian Karlsson, Alceu Alvez Damico
Copyright: Murlyn Songs AB, Warner/Chappell Edicoes Musicais Ltda
Lyrics from <a href="http://www.elyrics.net">eLyrics.net</a>
Listen hear!
I can understand it, because while it is the hardest thing ever, it also feels the most important.
ReplyDeleteAbout what he calls you.... Maxim's second set of adoptive parents invited him to call them by their first names. I could not let him do that; it is just against my grain, but also he was going to school where I work and calling me "Annie" would not do. So, we settled on "Mrs. Kitching" which he calls me to this day. Yes; I'd love for him to call me "mom" or "mother" or "mama" or any other variation, but I see he just can't. When he first came, ANYone using a "mom" variant would make him enraged...not right then (he'd hold it together while with the stranger who did it) but i'd be quaking because I knew once we got to the car, I'd suffer for their "mistake".
Eventually, I realized that he is very good at processing things....and we talked about "the mama issue". I also went out of my way to correct people, etc. and he got over it! The other day I referred to myself on the phone as his mother, just because I needed that relationship to be conducting the business I was doing - and he stood by, and handled it perfectly. He still calls me Mrs. Kitching by habit, but he's dealt with the issue. Anyway - maybe you could actually have a talk about it. Use the empathy, acceptance and curiosity tools and see where it takes you.