A Raging Need For Medication

So, our medication referral meeting for "R" is scheduled for August 1st.  I just have to hold on till then I guess, glad he isn't trying to kill me!  I asked for the referral around June 20th.   Sometimes I forget why the professional world annoys me so much.  When I tell them my 17 year old needs help asap, I don't mean 6 weeks!

It has been 3 months of hell.  I don't want to go back to this time in life... E.V.E.R.!  He is so angry.. at me... at my husband... at life... but mostly at me.  I walk into a room and it ticks him off.  I refuse to let the "keep him calm till I get the straight jacket on him" attitude prevail, but it is a very conscious fight! 

My self esteem remains intact, but it's hanging by a thread.  I know the things he says are just anger, and he doesn't mean them, he is just good at hate filled talk, and lately there is so much of it. 

Yesterday he saw his therapists.  Pointless mostly, because according to him he is fine.  I left the room for a minute and he said something to her... but I don't know what and he wouldn't let her bring it up.  That is fine.  I hope it is real, and that maybe he is reaching out... but I get the impression it is more about "playing" the game and manipulating.. Sigh. 


"R" has been with us just over a year, longer than any other fosterhome in the 5 years of care..  I think that is enough time to really be able to see what is going on with him, long enough to see a pattern, definitely long enough to see that he would benefit from some extra help in the form of meds.  He even agrees, well almost agrees in that he doesn't adamantly disagree.  Plus he tries to bargain all the time "I'll take medication if you let me...".  I think it is a way to save face a little bit, by not admitting he thinks it is a good idea too.

 This morning, well I don't know what this morning was.  I guess I can chalk it up to a bright flashing green light for medication.   I am typically very anti meds.  I believe, like lots of people, that we overmedicate kids today.  I also believe that there are many cases where it is beneficial, needed, and life saving. 

About a month ago "R" asked if he could pay us to set up an Xbox live account for him.  He had the money.  We said sure.  There was however, one simple rule.  He COULD not give "J", our 12 year old and his half brother, the password.  "J" is not allowed to ever use the internet or anything connected to it, with good reason.  He agreed.  Within 24 hours however,'"J" had the password... given to him by "R".  We found out, changed "R"s password, and didn't give him the demanded refund.  He was extremely unhappy, but we dealt with it.

Well today, he found out that a couple of the kids watch movies on Netflix on his profile. If you understand xbox live, you understand this does nothing to his account, costs him nothing.  He paid for a 3 month subscription, it is unlimited use. 

Long story short, he is laying into me, escalating, and inside I am just sighing with a "here we go again" mentality.  But I hung in there, talking to him, sympathize, repeating his feelings, letting him know he could feel whatever way he wanted ... that they were his feelings.  Rationalizing a little, but he couldn't/wouldn't listen.

So within a 15 minute period his rage escalated, calling me lovely names, threatening my person, throwing things at me, breaking a bar stool, then breaking 3 picture frames by clearing off a side table [needed dusting anyway I suppose]... and we ended up at the doctors office with him getting 3 stitches for a very deep cut on his finger.  

This had been coming for a few days.  I can sense these episodes, feel them coming, I just can't stop them.  Maybe delay them, but they have to happen.

Basically he has 4 levels of anger.  The first level is fairly typical for a teen, if not pushing it a little..  It involves name calling, swearing, slamming a door... but he can moderate, stop, try and bargain, etc.  The second level is more intense, same as level one with nastier behavior, throwing small things but rarely breaking them, baiting me then leaving the room, more need for him to have a table or some piece of furniture between us to feel safe.  Level three is ugly.  It makes him seem unstable.  His breathing is faster, his face and body are tense, his paranoia stronger, he is scary then.  Not scary to me, but to the little kids, to the dogs, to a stranger.  He throws things, and they do break.  He throws things at me.  He gets in my face, then retreats quickly to the other side of the room.  He has rarely left bruises on me from throwing things, and yes I have been hit too.  A restrained hit, more of a slapping out the way.  If he wanted to nail me, I'd have a definite mark or broken bone to show for it, and I would be involving other people... aka SW, police, judge etc..  He will shove me, but never hit me.  Level 4 is a rarity.  In the year he has been with us, I have seen it 4, maybe 5 times.  Level 4 is the end of everything.  He is breathing fast and heavy, crying, gulping air, shaking, I think he is afraid.  Level 4 is short lived, but intense.  it is more like a panic attack.  When my husband witnessed level 4 for the first time a couple of weeks ago, he wanted to give up on him thinking he was 'crazy' and going to hurt someone.  It took a while to calm them both down.  That is how weird it is to see a 17 year old, who can be so close to normal break down like this.

One of the hardest things is there isn't really any rhyme or reason to what level of anger he reaches.  Like I said, I have gotten good at calming him down, helping him regulate.  But it really just delays the inevitable. 

I really am hoping medication takes the edge off.  That is lets his brain stay engaged longer.  He doesn't like it when this happens.  I can see that.  ... I can also see how relaxed he is after he gets through being angry and out of control. 

I love this young man so much.  In some ways we have come a long way this last year.  In other ways I feel like with all the progress we have made, there have been other issues that have finally been released to need to be dealt with. 

If I could have seen my daily life a year ago being at this point, I most likely would have said.... nope, can't do that.  I am so glad I didn't see, didn't believe, didn't fully understand.  Because I AM doing this, I CAN do this, and no I don't believe very many other people could.  I guess pride can be motivating. 

But not as motivating as LOVE.  I do love him.  I hurt for him, and I get really, really mad at him.  I scream "I am a person too."  "I have feelings too!"  "I can get hurt too." ....

Sometimes I cry.  Sometimes I laugh.  Sometimes I smoke or drink.  Yep, you read that right.  I dont' do it because I need it, I do it to rebel.  It is a little ridiculous, I am not sure who I am even rebelling against, but I know that is why I do it. :) 

So as you go about your daily life, please say a prayer or have a good thought for me, my husband and all my kids, as we are hanging in there with everything we have until the first of August.