Scary Times...

He is terrified.  I saw it tonight, that terrified and lost little boy.

 As mad as I am, my heart is hurting for him.  He thinks he hid the scared side from me.

 I don't know what to do.  How do you talk about feelings to a 16 year old young man who is like a 10 year old emotionally, and more disconnected from his emotional state than anyone I have ever met?  Full of pride.  Full of bravado.  Full of survival mode.  Full of denial.

I can't even put my finger on what he is so scared of specifically.  I know that in the months he has been with us we got through the beginning rough patch to a good couple of months, and then it all went south and got rougher... and wouldn't quit going downhill.

School is out, his birthday is coming up, parental rights are finally terminated and the adoption can move forward, he quit his job, he flunked 5 of 8 classes... these can all be triggers, but I don't think they are the main reason.

I think, regardless of how many times I say it, he is scared he will have to leave.  I think he likes me, maybe even loves me, and that terrifies him.

He keeps threatening to run away.  I am pulling out all stops and scrambling to recall everything I have read and all the advice people have given me.  I repeat what he says.  I suggest what he might be feeling inside.  I tell him how worried and scared I would be for him.  How my main concern would be to know he was safe. How I would drive around to everyone and everywhere I thought he might be.  How much I love him.

He went from saying he was running away and no one would find him for at least a week, to saying he might come back after a day.  I asked him twice for a hug, he will almost always let me hug him from behind as long as he isn't in raging.  He couldn't do it this time.  He couldn't even look at me.  I think he was protecting his heart.

I keep putting my heart on the line.  I don't want to show vulnerability.  I sure don't want to feel vulnerable... because I know how it will end.  I will keep getting hurt over and over.

But I know you can't love someone from a place of survival.  I know that because that is where he is at.  I know you can't embrace someone with your arms folded.

I love him so much.  I just wish he could trust that.