A Mirror To His Heart...

I have started to realize that my home now resembles my "trauma babys" heart.  In the year that he has been here he has left quite a path of destruction. 

My car is destroyed, between the boulder/rock dents, the broken windshield, the broken radio (the second broken one!), the broken airbag front, and the knife marks in the seat... what was once a decent resale value SUV is now worth way less than what we owe on it. 

We have 3 doors that are broken.  We have 3 cupboard doors ripped off. 

We have 1 dresser destroyed, more or less anyway.

We have had one big screen TV broken, and replaced.

We have had the siding on one side of our house dented from being hit over and over with a metal pipe.

We have a broken picture window.

We have a broken oven door from the glass getting shattered.

We have a broken bar stool.

We have a broken kitchen chair.

We have a wood floor with a nice dent/crack in it.

And then there are the various little things, toys, bedding, clothes, books, bowls, silverware, etc.  ... these things are fairly replaceable, but they add up too.

I have not escaped unscathed.  I have been bruised a good amount of times, but nothing that left a lasting mark... just a mark on my heart.  

We also have had our credit card stolen and used twice.

We are missing cash.

We have had a stereo speaker stolen.

We have had 3 hunting rifles totaling over $1000 stolen and given to "a friend" who needed some cash.   Our trust is at an all time low, obviously. 

I do not post this to say "poor me, look what we have endured".  I post this so that you can start to see not only what living with "trauma" looks like, but also so you get a look at my sons heart.

It is broken, destroyed, riddled with holes from anger, sadness, and fear.  Some of it is easily fixable, some of it is very hard to fix, some of it just needs replaced all together with something better. 

He can't put it into words, though he is 17 and a smart young man.  The wounds started when he was too young for words, and as he grew he was not given the words he needed.  He doesn't quite understand that he is making his world look like he feels inside.  But I DO UNDERSTAND sweet boy.  Your mama understands! 

My heart hurts when things get broke, it stresses me out, hurts me, makes me mad... but I see the communication and pain behind the action. 

He is on medication now, for the last 2 weeks.  It has made a huge difference, his intensity is much less.  But he still throws things, breaks little things.... It is my hope that the medication allows for some much needed dialogue and realization on his part.  I am praying things start get better with a combination of medication, therapy, and unconditional love!

But till then, when you enter my home, please realize that the war zone you are seeing is really just a mirror to the pain in my sons heart.  Have mercy and compassion on him.  He is worth so much more than things.  Please know this is not how I want my home to look, and I am doing everything I can to restore both my home and his heart!