During the hard times and sleepless nights. During the screaming rages and destructive tantrums. During the times I see my blind 7 year old daughter or my one year old son flinch when my 16 year old walks by. During the times I catch him, at age 12, looking at pornography, taking inappropriate self portraits, emailing inappropriate material. During the times he yells at me that I am a "stupid fucking bitch". During the times my 7 year old repeats things that a 7 year old should not know. During the times when a simple family outing is never a simple family outing. During the times I can't hold my crying 1 year old because my 16 year old needs help calming down and me holding the baby is a trigger. During the times I talk with my littles once again about body parts, correct names, private areas, telling an adult, bad touch/good touch. During those times I see their innocence lost. During the times I wish I could close the closet door, but can't because he broke it... along with the car stereo, the TV, holes in the wall, the picture window, the airbag, and multiple little things.
It is during those times I falter. My faith waivers. My heart breaks. My tears fall. And I think to myself....
I let the monster in.
I held the door. I invited it right in. Even welcomed it. I let my protective walls crumble and fall
and I let it into my home. I gave it a bright red painted target on each of my children.
Don't mistake my words for a minute. My children are not the monster. The monster is EVIL. Plain and simple, pure and unmistakable EVIL. It struck my two precious boys, whom we adopted [are adopting], as infants. Today they are 12 and 16. Their birthmom didn't even try to keep the monster at bay, it had probably struck her as an infant too. These cycles are repetitive. The monster had a long time to terrorize them, and no one stepped in to protect them.
I had to let the monster in.
It had a hold on them and they couldn't come in without it tagging along. I had to trust that my GOD was stronger than the monster, stronger than the EVIL that had them. He asked me to trust Him, He asked me to let them in, He asked me to let EVIL in. Let it in, and let HIM overcome. He asked me to live a life that I can't live without HIM.
I falter. I waiver. I break. I fall.
But HE doesn't. It isn't even a fight for Him! He just doesn't waiver. He doesn't lose. I don't even have to hold onto Him, I don't have enough strength. All I have to do is reach for Him!
He asks me to love. Love who He puts in my path. Love the children He shares with me. Love the hurting, the sick, the tired, the needy, the orphan, the fosterchild, the challenging child, the struggling child, the outcast, the aging, the suffering, the sinner, the homosexual, the dirty, the ones evil has an all too tight hold on.... I can't love while holding up a shield. I can't love by guarding my heart. I can't love by saying not THIS house. I can't love by remaining just like the world. I can't love by drawing lines in the sand.
Katie Davis always says it so well.
"I can’t fold my arms and simultaneously reach out for my Savior." -- Katie Davis
So yes, I let the monster in. I didn't "take a chance" on God. It's a sure thing. This is NOT a GAMBLE! HE has already overcome EVIL!
I falter. I waiver. I break. I fall. But I am reassured. My resolve returns. My heart heals. I get back up. And I am once again their mom. Fully committed, fully in love with them, fully humbled that He called me to stretch and blessed me so greatly in the process.
8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ~ 2 Corinthians
Boy, I know the feeling.... You expressed it all so well. Sometimes it feels very frightening.
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