Hallmark Doesn't Live Here

I admit it, Hallmark commercials make me cry. <3

They used to make me cry because they reminded me of the life I was living,

the beautiful and loving family I was raising.  We weren't perfect, there were

plenty of arguements, but always with the comfort and hope of beauty to come.

Of family holidays full of love.  Of phone calls from across the miles sharing hopes,

dreams, news about life.  Of shared secrets, shared traditions, motherly advice well 

received and mayhaps even treasured.  I saw the Hallmark commericals in the

eyes of my children.  

But Hallmark doesn't live here anymore.  

Intead of family holidays full of love, we have stress, yelling, anger over things not

being completely fair.  Instead of phone calls across the miles sharing hopes and dreams,

I fear we will have phone calls of needing money, followed by hate and anger when

it isn't forth coming.  Instead of shared secrets, and traditions... we will share

trauma, anger, threats, manipulation, fear, self-loathing, and insults.

Hallmark doesn't live here anymore.

Trauma has come in.  Trauma has taken root.  Trauma has brought fear, pain,

emotional drama, anger, and survival to the forefront of every special occasion.

I hear comments about who should not be in the family.  I hear comments of how

someone is babied and favored.  I hear comments about the stress and noise of 

the everyday.  I hear comments about my children just wanting to be old enough

to get out of here and get away from the drama.  "The one person who annoys me

more than anyone else on earth, you choose to adopt!" screams my middle son.

 I see how my "little ones" now know things that others their age don't need to know. 

 I see how they go and retreat/hide when the yelling and anger and raging start.  

It breaks this mama's heart.

Hallmark doesn't live here anymore, but pain and heartache do.

Mothers Day is coming up.  I should want this all to end.  I should want him

to just leave.  I should want to walk away while I still can.  I should be done with him,

sick of him, disliking him, protecting myself.  

But HOPE won't leave.  I love him.  I AM his mom.  Every "F- You".  Every "Stupid Bit#h".

Every "I hate this shit hole, I am leaving".  EVERY.  INSULT.  HURTS.

I am his mom.  I love him.  I can't let him go, nor do I want to.  Sometimes

I feel so guilty over that, over what my other children now

live with.  But life wasn't meant to be perfect.  Life and a forever family

 weren't meant to be only for a select few.   

My children are getting stronger.  They are daily living out compassion, 

compromise, courage,tolerance, and love.  They are so strong.   They 

will not only overcome, but thrive.  Adversity can make you better.

I want Hallmark to come back, my heart says it will. 

Give me a Hallmark moment.