Hurting.
This sucks.
Feeling alone.
Angry.
This is too hard.
Feeling hopeless.
Beaten.
Tired of the insults.
I'm not made of stone.
Tears.
Holding them back.
Crying alone.
Tired.
Drama and rage are exhausting.
Not giving up.
Strength..
I can handle your hate.
I can take your insults.
Courage.
I will stick where others bailed.
I see the hurting child inside.
Love.
I love you.
Amidst all the rage, insults, and anger.
Love remains.
I love you.
I will always love you.
I am your Mom.
God made us a family.
God loves me.
God loves you.
Peace.
Come quickly.
Tonight I hurt.
Tonight I am scared.
Tonight I want to walk away.
Tonight I want to yell insults and hate back at you.
Tonight I want to see that I can hurt you.
I want to see your tears.
I want to see your fear.
I want to hear how you need me.
I want to hear how you want me to be your mom.
I want to hear you say you love me.
Silence.
You won't say it.
You may never say it.
I am sticking.
I am yours.
I will say it.
I love you.
I need you.
You are my son.
Love remains.
You know....I think you need to discover the joy of disengagement. It is something like having an out-of-body experience, except on an emotional plane. I had to learn that for teaching; it is the way you tell 25 little people that because they were so noisy in the hall, despite your instructions, they will not get to see the movie, "Please sit down and take out your math books." (This, despite the fact you REALLY wanted to see the movie yourself.) If you invested emotion in these things it would wear you to a nub....(where I was my first few months of teaching). I had to learn to do this with Maxim, too, and with Nastia. The loving just has to be active and intellectual....as much as possible, sometimes.
ReplyDeleteNot sure how to do that Annie. :( .... I know I am a "fixer" at heart, coupled a middle child mentality, "Everyone can be happy and get along".
ReplyDelete