Words

Words have such power.  They have started wars.  They have ended wars.  They have begun a family.  They have ended a family as well.  The can heal.  They can harm.  They can bring tears of joy... or of sorrow.  Words have such power.

"R" spent 5 years in foster care, and we are still awaiting the finalization of his adoption.  10 months doesn't seem like very long, but it is the longest he has ever spent in one place since going into the system 5 years ago.  It is a lifetime.

I am a believer in mantras, mission statements, consistent key phrases, etc. I believe, though he is still not believing them, they are sticking in his head because he will bring them up every now and then.  Often the conversations that surround the restating of these special words surprise me.  It warms my heart too, because it is proof that "good stuff" is being planted and taking root!  In his short life there has not been very much good stuff that has been planted, or there was no"Spring", the growing season, in which it had time to grow strong enough to withstand the storms of life.

So I choose to use consistent phrases to help him navigate what being in a family means, and sometimes just ways to deal with what life throws at him.  Just to share a few:

"Your behavior has no bearing on your place in this family.  You do not have to earn the right to stay here.  You ARE  here.  You are my family.  Period."

"Everyone has different gifts.  Some just take longer to be realized." [he used this the other day in talking about a bio brother of his that is really struggling] 

"You can be mad at someone, and still love them."  

"You can be mad at me, and not like me.  That doesn't mean you have to leave.  All teenagers "hate" their parents sometimes.  THAT is NORMAL! You can even tell me you hate me.  It is okay." 

"Family means nobody gets left behind." [yes, I love Lilo and Stitch!]

"That's just what a good mom does, and I am a good mom." [I say this one so often, he has started saying it for me, and in a snooty little voice too.] 

"You get to choose who is in your life.  Choose people that make it better."

"Relationships involve two people.  I give, you give.  That's how they work." [He made a comment about breaking up with his girlfriend of 2 weeks.  He said she wanted to much of a relationship with him.  He didn't want to be that involved.]  So while there is some twisted logic here, he is learning the words, and once you have the words, your mind can just process things better.  This is proven.

Having standard replies and phrases also helps me to respond and remain present when he is raging and using words from the previous post.  I am human, not Super Mama!  I usually have to get by myself and let at least a few tears fall after one of his verbal rages.  It hurts, I get mad, I get offended.  I think "I WILL NOT BE TALKED TO THIS WAY IN MY OWN HOME YOU LITTLE BRAT!"  But instead I choose love.  I choose to say:

"I am sorry I wasn't there to hold you when you were little."

"I am sorry you were hurt.  I am sorry you were scared."

"You didn't do anything wrong.  You were a child!  I know you don't think it, but you still are a child.  You are just trying to figure life out."

"I messed up.  I should have brought you home when I brought your brother home.  I am so sorry." [we adopted his bio brother 5 years ago]

"You ARE my son.  I don't give a crap what anyone else says." [classy, huh?]

"You don't get to choose how my heart feels.  You are my son.  I do love you." 

So I have secret phrases too, ones that often just run in my head as he yells and rages.  Phrases to help me stay in that place of love.  Phrases such as:

"Hurt people hurt people." 

"How many hugs has he missed in his life?" 

"What is really going on?  What is he really saying?" 

"This is the son God gave me.  This is where God wants me.  God's got this." 

"Never lose hope.  His heart will heal.  Love is enough. " 

.............and most important..............

"I claim this child.  I claim his pain.  He is mine."  

It is amazing how just saying "THIS IS MY SON" brings out the protective side of this mama's heart.  Often the "claiming" shifts me quite quickly from offended pride, to Mama bear.  I am ready to take on whoever it was, whatever it was that hurt my son and is making him have to release the pain in such a nasty way.  There is a quote I LOVE.

There is an instinct in a woman to love most her own child - and an instinct to make any child who needs her love, her own.  ~Robert Brault
**** can I get an Amen?****

 Words have such power.  They have started wars.  They have ended wars.  They have begun a family.  They have ended a family as well.  The can heal.  They can harm.  They can bring tears of joy... or of sorrow.  Words of such power.